I start my new year posts with what now feels like pretentiousness stemming from the desire to look at a new year with optimism from the pressure to “take control” of something that cannot be controlled.
Too much pressure is placed on individual people to do the impossible.
I’m not keen to make 2025 “my year”. That’s like choosing to move across the country and hoping to turn the new city into “my city”.
Ah, speaking of which: I’m not moving across the country this year. I’m staying in Texas to continue nurturing some new [platonic] relationships while also pursuing what I want.
Wait, WTF do I want?! 🤔
I have an idea of what I want, and things are looking up for me in that regard. I realized I needn’t move across the country before I’ve managed to recover from autistic burnout just yet. Such a major life change would be a repeat of when I moved out of my first apartment to an unknown city. The only difference is that, this time, I would be alone with a lot of uncertainty.
After losing a job to disability discrimination, I’ve been auditing my relationships, personal limits, and all the patterns in my life.
I started thinking about what I want to do in my life for the next year, and I realized I don’t want to spend it trying to survive my first Midwestern winter — especially not with cold weather triggering my muscle and joint pain. Even if I stretch, it hurts to walk lately so I’ve been propping my knees and feet.
Instead, I want to focus on eating well so I’m not living with the effects of a sodium deficiency and regain strength in my body. I look forward to being able to engage in light exercise and eventually dancing again.
I want to paint and stop spending so much time in survival mode. I want to nurture and continue developing healthy relationships with people instead of the unhealthy ones.
Not done in Texas yet
There are things I want to do in Texas still, too, that I can’t do once I move out of it. I need to grow more before I’m capable of that kind of thing.
Aside from something else I won’t mention until it happens, staying in Texas feels right for me right now because — apart from everything else I’ve mentioned — leaving feels like running away. There are plenty of people who will be staying because they can’t leave.
I was raised to think about the worst that could happen, but I’m choosing to enter 2025 with the attitude “What’s the best that could happen?”
These are not goals.
Do not be mistaken: These are not goals. Sharing what I want is not me sharing my goals.
I do not make and share goals. I have career-related goals, but I wouldn’t share those, either.
This is a philosophy I’ve held for a long time after realizing how unlikely I am to accomplish what I set out to accomplish after sharing it — or how disappointed and ashamed I feel if my goals were not achieved, for whatever reason.
Here’s another philosophy:
2025 is 2025.
It’s a year. It is not definitive of the growth I may experience going forward.
What defines my year is me, on December 31st.
Everything else is pretentious conjecture…it sounds pretty, but ’tis not.
I look forward to sharing my year with you!
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