Over ten years ago, I expressed my desire to leave Texas. I’m now planning to move across the country by next year. ✨

This decision wasn’t made lightly, but I do find myself feeling less attached to sticking around since the events of the last two years.

1. Christian nationalism

Conservative Texas Republicans who love everything Trump does and supports Trump because they think he’s been chosen by God aren’t the Christians the purport themselves to be — they’re Christian nationalists, using religious symbols and texts to justify their prejudice and violence.

I don’t want to be around this. The Handmaid’s Tale was entertainment when that dystopian was fiction, but it’s become a reality since Trump’s presidency.

Ignoring politics because they don’t affect you is precisely what Christian nationalists rely on. They don’t want voters, they don’t want people understanding their process, and they don’t want critical thinkers.

The irony is that nothing about Christian nationalism has to do with Christianity, for while they accuse the gays of adultery and sexual immorality, they themselves are guilty of idolatry.

There’s a Bible verse about that: Let him who is without sin cast the first stone.

And another:

Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, “Let me take the speck out of your eye,” while the log is in your own eye?

You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye.

~Matthew 7:3-5

The Bible clearly states multiple times that how you judge others will be how you, too, are judged.

I find the Christian nationalists take a lot of issue with Jesus’s teachings. They are so quick to proclaim what the Bible says and God blesses or disproves of, but the moment Jesus is referenced, they stumble and struggle to tie Jesus’s teachings back into their movement.

I’m not interested in engaging with people like this anymore. I don’t want to associate myself with people who have so much hate towards people who are different towards them. I don’t like what it does to me.

I don’t like myself when I’m around them. Then they justify my self-hatred under their influence for “wokeness”, claiming that I wouldn’t feel that way if people “just accepted their place in society” — or they claim I’ve a mental illness, since I’m incapable of seeing how they’re right and accepting my place in society.

I’m tired of the bullshit. I don’t want to be around this, nor do I want people to think I support this.

Sometimes, I’ll be sitting on the bed watercolor painting and streaming a show or movie, thinking about how great it looks outside and how content I am. I’m so happy to be alive. And I think, “Maybe I could stay in Texas if I had to.”

Then, there is something in the news — a notification, a shared post or something I hear about when I go to the kitchen to refill my water or grab a snack — that knocks me off my cloud and into reality.

This war people are starting and fighting because they have such miserable lives since they think people living differently impedes their lives.

Christian nationalism has always been the primary reason I wanted to leave Texas, even before I knew the term for it.

2. I don’t want to raise kids here.

I want at least one kid — but not here. I do not want to bring up a child here. I can’t imagine bringing up a child in Texas.

Even if I adopt, I can’t imagine subjecting a child to Texas life. I hated growing up in Texas and spent most of my childhood wishing and imagining I was someplace else.

Childhood Me daydreamed about moving out of Texas, maybe even romanticized it a bit because she wanted it that bad.

The idea of giving one’s children “a better life”, for me, requires me to first improve my quality of life.

I had to explain to my oldest niece that not everyone has parents who love them; it was such a foreign concept to her. She’s going to birthday parties and doesn’t go hungry when she doesn’t like what’s for dinner.

She’s sheltered from certain hardships I wasn’t sheltered from, and I love that for her. It’s so weird and amazing to witness, but I really do love it. I realize I want this kind of thing for my child(ren).

I’m probably going to be a solo parent, because I’m not going to settle for less to tick off this box of someone else’s ideal prerequisites for choosing to become a parent.

Considering what Texas is doing politically, and my no-contact relatives, I don’t trust the system to work in my favor should anything happen — and I don’t want my child to fall into my relatives’ hands or the Texas foster care system due to prejudice. 💁‍♀️

I realized I have a lot to consider about becoming a parent and how I might become one. I don’t consider myself asexual like Bryony, but I’ve been a lesbian in Texas for almost 33 years so far. 😅

More specifically, I’m a homoromantic demisexual person, but I identify lesbian because it feels right to me. 😎

Late 2021, I started thinking more seriously about having a child and whether I’d adopt or go the surrogacy route. I realized I had a lot to think about in terms of my life — whether I would stay in Texas, whether I was going to start a business, and what support system I’d have.

I didn’t start thinking more about my now no-contact relatives in relation to my future child until 2022, after I’d moved closer to them.

Some days, I still wake up thinking my move and everything up to this point was merely a nightmare. 🥴

I looked at how my relatives treated me and imagined how they’d treat my kid —

• Would they give them medicine behind my back?
• Would they respect my parenting choices?
• Would they introduce my child to my egg donor and stepfather against my wishes?

I realized the answers didn’t matter so much as how I felt about the idea of my child being in their care.

A conversation I had on the phone with my grandmother still enters my mind when I think about having a child. She wanted me to focus on my job and building a retirement fund — and that’s it.

My family didn’t agree with me being a lesbian, but I didn’t realize it was an issue until later so I didn’t understand why she was so adamant about shutting me down anytime I mentioned dating and having kids.

It was a complete 180° from her frequently pushing guys onto me — even 17-year-olds 🤢 — some years prior.

“You don’t need to focus on having kids. You’re not going to have kids,” she’d said.

That set me off. “Whether I choose to have kids or not is not up to you — it’s up to me. It’s my decision, and you don’t get a say.”

She replied, “Honey, calm down. You’re not ready to become a parent. You can’t do it alone.”

2022-2023 were really traumatic years for me, and also really upped my personal growth. I learned a lot about my family and myself — especially what I wanted out of life.

I really started to imagine my future, and you know what? Wife or no wife, I realized I wanted to be a parent once I felt as though I was in a good place in life to become one.

That meant I had to think about parenthood differently, because I would be a “single” parent. I’ve followed Bryony of Precious Stars for over a decade, and her solo mum by choice journey caught my attention. 💅

I realized I do want to be a mum — and that I need to improve my quality of life so my child can experience a good quality of life, too.

3. Better quality of life

This one kind of builds off the previous point. My quality of life has always felt mediocre or like I’m settling for less, living in Texas.

My maternal relatives lived in Texas their whole lives and believed it to be “the best state ever” and are proud to live here. I mean, there’s a lot of Christian nationalism in their sentiments about their home state. 🤷‍♀️

I grew up being taught that Texas was the best state, but  I didn’t understand why. I didn’t understand a lot of things. As I grew older, I paid more attention to politics, laws and human rights.

A latchkey kid, I watched a lot of diverse television shows and met a lot of people online from all over the world.

Blogging exposed me to problems outside the U.S. and how other people see my home country. This gave me a “bigger picture” perspective, wherein I started looking at the world as something bigger that also feels small sometimes — with more opportunities.

In other words, I realized there was and is far more to life than living in Texas.

I grew up in a military-loving household and identify as a pacifist. 💁‍♀️ I’ve never felt as though I belong in Texas. 🤷‍♀️

Mental health

Surrounding myself by people who criticize me for how I am negatively affects my mental health. It would affect anyone’s!

And that’s my whole life…kind of. In 2022, I realized I have zero mental health issues when I’m away from my family and surrounded by people who respect my boundaries, accept my differences and spend a lot less time talking shit.

It was mind-boggling.

Hypercritical people may exist everywhere, but you know what doesn’t? Texas.

4. Moving away from family

I met someone while living in Kaufman, who became someone I consider a friend of sorts. 🤔

She’s from Tennessee and lives in Texas, and has found the distance between her and her family helps their relationship. 🧐

I’m not looking to improve familial relationships…but I do like the idea of being the relative who lives in another state. 😏 I want this kind of thing for myself. 😘

Part of breaking the cycle, for me, includes leaving the can’t-go-wrong state of Texas behind me. I saw a lot of it as a child, so I don’t care to spend more time exploring a red state when I could better spend my time exploring a blue state.