I’m bringing my monthly updates back. After doing a few quarterly updates, I feel like they’re more a way for me to distance myself and not a good opportunity for me to update you on anything that doesn’t totally work for a Jane Lately issue number-whatever. It’s harder for me to keep up with and only stresses me out when I realize I didn’t log anything for it the previous month and don’t actually remember what I did that month, even if I did something important. I tried it out, and it didn’t work, so monthly reviews are back and fall holidays are in.

I loathe the second semester holidays. My parents divorced when I was in the single digits, and ever since I’ve been old enough to decide which family to spend which holiday with, I’ve wanted nothing more than to hole myself up in a hotel room and spend it by myself. The stress gets to me too much, and each side is always like, “But we love you! We want to spend time with you!” regardless of how much time I’ve spent with either already. It’s bugged me for as long as I can remember, and somehow I’m the selfish one for even considering looking at the cheapest hotels.

This year, I think it’s worst than before because I am in actual eating disorder recovery. I’m eating every two to three hours each day (ugh), and holiday celebrations are all about the food. I don’t actually want to do this (that is, I’m not suicidal), but: It makes me so miserable that death looks fucking peachy. 🤷 I feel like the rope in tug-of-war; whichever side makes me feel guiltiest is who I spend my time with. One of these days, the baggage won’t weigh me down so hard.

This update’s late-coming, but my holiday plans pan out somewhat fine this year, in that I’ve the ability to spend awhile with maternal family without missing my paternal family’s Christmas ritual. Bummer. </sarcasm> If I ever have kids, I’m not passing on the tradition of opening presents one person at a time, starting with the youngest. It takes about six hours to go through our entire family, and being an introvert makes that a personal brand of hell. What’s more—and contrary to being a blogger and all—I loathe being the center of attention. LOATHE IT. I am the kind of person who will redirect attention from herself onto another person, then escape away while everyone is distracted. I have an early-ass appointment the next day, so I’m high-key hoping the party doesn’t last too long. Fingers crossed they’ll start unwrapping earlier or something, and I can escape in time to catch at least eight hours’ worth of Zs.

Something I’ve noticed myself doing blog-wise is using as short post slugs as possible. They’re easier for me to remember that way, and I feel like it just looks cleaner. This became a habit after I was considering how I’ll format URLs for an aforesaid project.

This month, I learned…

• …a bit more about who I am. I’m playing around with makeup. I feel a smidge more confident in one day getting rid of my “sick” clothes. I’m not there yet, but the idea doesn’t make me want to curl up into a ball and cry.
• …how to make a meal plan. I don’t know how I’m going to manage it during the holidays, but I’m determined to make recovery stick this time. I’m legit terrified of failing again, even if my family doesn’t understand. I’m also feeling rather unapologetic, so anyone who comments on how much I’m eating is going to get bit.

This month, I loved…

• …Ipsy. I subscribed again, because I wanted to treat myself and try some new beauty products, but didn’t know where to begin.
• …going to see my maternal family. I hung out in Ben Wheeler, TX and actually fell in love with two miniature donkeys (which I’ve no previous history of loving ever).
• …selfies again.

Across the interwebs

• Make 50% of the population hate you makes complete sense.
• Texas tried to rewrite history by eliminating H. Clinton and H. Keller from history curriculum.
• I’m loving this “Milkshake” parody tee, but reviews say the clothing quality is no bueno, so I’m gonna find a plain tee that fits me properly and have Charlise make me something similar with her vinyl machine voodoo.

How was your November? What does December hold for you?