Why do you think some autistics prefer “person with autism”?

My friend Lou asked me this on my personal Facebook post about identity-first language and I thought it was a good Q&A, so here’s my answer:

I think it’s the influence of their parents. I’ve seldom seen over the years autistic people with truly allied parents (who used IFL as the default) who preferred person-first language (PFL) themselves…and those autistics didn’t want a cure; they saw autism as yet another part of them, e.g. “I have brown hair, I have brown eyes”, etc.

Similarly to the autistic who want a cure for autism, I surmise there is a certain self-hatred there. I’ve had a lot comment on my articles, send me hate mail, and reply to my public social media posts…and everything they hate about themselves is their autism…and it’s also usually the men, blaming their autism on not getting them dates, but then they have this weird, entitled energy where they expect everyone to listen to what they have to say and can’t hold an empathetic conversation.

Obviously I’m not speaking for everyone or claiming to know *every single autistic*.

I entered the self-advocacy space 10 years ago, and half the stuff we advocated for has benefited Gen Z and younger generations. The other half of things have been forgotten or, like, considered “genius new ideas” by late-diagnosed autistic people.

No one remembers Amy Sequenzia, John Elder Robison or Lydia X. Z. Brown, even though their philosophies are referenced all the time.

And the thing each of them really got right was the self-hating autistic people raised by anti-autism parents and the lack of accepting oneself as autistic.

In 2024, I understand it as wanting to be an individual. It’s why I changed my blog name from “Autistic Jane”, because putting it front and center set up expectations and also fueled people’s biases…and people on the internet were already cruel, because I’ve a trail of posting about autism and continue(d) to do so.

The concept of “putting the person first” is inherently ableist, specifically originating from ableism and able-bodied culture. The purpose exists to “emphasize the value and worth” of the individual, as if disabled people are not of value and worth.

Which, according to the majority of society, is the general consensus.

This is why anti-autism communities “joke” about sterilizing autistic people and sending us to live on an island “away from the normal people”.

This is why some countries, including your own, don’t accept disabled immigrants.

This is why inspiration porn exists, because able-bodied people need to feel good about themselves.

This is why able-bodied people can’t stand when disabled people literally CANNOT do something BECAUSE of their disability.

This is why, when parents murder their autistic/disabled children, everyone sympathizes with the parents and believes the children were “saved”. It’s why there aren’t many consequences for it, why society believes “losing” their children is “enough”. This is why there’s a Disability Day of Mourning.

Able-bodied people DO NOT think disabled people are worth anything if they can’t contribute to society’s BS.

It goes back to, at least for American culture, Puritan roots and the origin of laziness. If you could not work or fit in to society, then you were cursed/punished by God for literally anything.

Which, really, we could trace back to Christianity/other religions which perceived disabled people as “evil”, “possessed”, etc.

It’s also the reason people think “more” people are disabled/autistic in recent years, when the only difference is that we mingle with everyone else in society.

No longer are we institutionalized or shielded away from society because our families are embarrassed. We live in the open.

And we also threaten the system that works so, so well for able-bodied people because we challenge that which they take for granted.

Their “conveniences” and “luxuries” are our necessities, so they think we’re trying to be special or take something away from them and may even question our entitlement.

It’s all ableism, deeply-rooted into society by everyone’s ancestors.

Ableism is ingrained in every fiber of society because we were never meant to keep existing.

We were never meant to “see the light of day”, or co-exist with able-bodied people.

Solution

Any time I address any issue, I receive a slew of comments/emails asking me what the solution is. 🙄 As if it’s all up to me/one person.

The worst part of all of this — of the fact that ableism is so ingrained in human culture — is that there is so much to unpack. Just as no one wants to be racist, no one wants to be ableist.

If people cared AS MUCH about ableism as they do racism, I think ableism could stand a chance at being eradicated — and I think that would help with racism quite a bit, because disability knows no race/age/culture.

Disability happens to anyone, can happen at any time — so instead of ignoring it, we need to deal with it.

Black autistic kids get put into ABA because their parents fear they’ll be shot one day by someone who doesn’t understand, because of racism and ableism.

But dismantling prejudice comes at the price of kindness, and not everyone believes kindness is free.