Pillow princesses & stone tops

Nothing ticks straight women* off more than these two sentences:

“Pillow princess” is exclusively a sapphic term. People outside of sapphic relationship dynamics shouldn’t use it.

*Or LGBTQ+ women in heteronormative relationship dynamics, or women/NB people simply not in sapphic relationships or not primarily engaging in sapphic relationships.

Society has come a long way, and younger generations have really pushed for inclusivity.

However, this is one area where forcing inclusivity is harmful and toxic, and I daresay even abusive. Inclusivity has its place.

Non-sapphic individuals cannot be included in this aspect of LGBTQ+ culture because it’s specifically lesbian/sapphic culture.

Sexual identities in lesbian culture

You may have heard of “twink”, “bear”, “top” and “bottom” in relation to gay male culture.

Lesbian culture has its own sexual identities. I will be covering the three most relevant identities in lesbian culture.

Pillow princesses

A pillow princess, or stone bottom, is a sexual identity in the women-loving-women space, where one partner is strictly a “receiver”.

Pillow princesses receive pleasure their partner gives them.

Stone tops

A stone butch, or stone top, pleasures their partner but does not receive it.

Not all butches are stone tops, and not all stone tops are butches.

Stone tops are the perfect match to pillow princesses and vice versa, because both partners understand the other’s identity. The stone top-and-pillow princess dynamic is considered a “match made in Heaven”, though it’s rare to find.

“Touch-me-nots” are often Black sapphics who are masculine-of-center or studs, though not always. I’m using “stone tops” or “stone butches” as an umbrella.

(I try to mix up the terminology used so it doesn’t feel draining. 😅 I apologize for “lumping” you in.)

“Melting the stone” originates from some stone tops being okay with certain kinds of touch, in specific situations.

Switches

A switch is someone who both gives and receives pleasure.

The heteronormative relationship standard version of this term is “reciprocal”.

Origin of stone tops & stone femmes

These terms and behaviors date back to at least the 1940s-1950s.

There are so many references to stone tops and pillow princesses — if not these exact terms, then using related terms. Femmes in lesbian bars would signal to other lesbians they were stone bottoms by having long, sharp nails painted red.

Another nail polish signal was having one fingernail painted a different color from the others, but accent fingernail colors have been adopted into heteronormative culture. 💁‍♀️ So the sapphic community lost that flagging identifier.

This aspect of lesbian culture existed to the people who wanted to know about it, not so much to the people who didn’t care about it or weren’t privy to it.

What is a starfish (person)?

A starfish is when a person lays on their back, with their arms and legs stretched outward, like a starfish. People who “starfish” in bed are passive, unresponsive, and lack enthusiasm.

Inexperienced partners may starfish, but they shouldn’t be judged for lacking experience.

When I first addressed this on Threads, people who experienced sexual violence spoke out against the term “starfish” in favor of appropriating the term “pillow princess” despite me sharing about it.

1. If women/NB people in relationships with men want a term other than “starfish” or “starfishing”, then talk about it with yourselves.
2. Historically speaking, people in heterosexual relationships have adopted/appropriated aspects of LGBTQ+ culture and history by picking and choosing what to normalize while still vilifying the LGBTQ+ community.
3. As long as all involved partners are on the same page, I don’t see anything wrong with starfish women; it’s a sexual boundary. I don’t understand why heteronormativity is so adamant about reciprocity.

Origin of mainstream pillow princess appropriation

Once upon a time, a men’s magazine pushed an article about passive, unresponsive women in bed. They called the women “pillow princesses”, because why not steal a term from the lesbian community out of jealousy?

I have no idea what straight men feel so entitled to a responsive lay from women when they don’t even hit the bare minimum, but 2020 bred a new kind of lesbophobia/homophobia targeting a sacredly sweet lesbian dynamic once devoid of heterosexual relationship standards.

Once the heterosexuals misbranded starfishes as pillow princesses, even the lesbian community turned in on itself.

TikTok is full of lesbians making jokes about “turning” a pillow princess or stone top into a switch. Which, not cool.

Misconceptions about stone tops & pillow princesses

The best way I know how to address this issue of switches in the lesbian community bragging about “curing” or “turning/flipping” pillow princesses and stone tops is through a list about the misconceptions.

1. Pillow princesses and stone tops are not “selfish”.

“Pillow princess” and “stone top” are BOUNDARIES.

Reciprocity is, more or less, a heteronormative relationship standard that has been applied to LGBTQ+ relationships.

In 2013, someone shared their thesis in a Google Doc about compulsory heterosexuality. Although I had it bookmarked, the link no longer works and I’ve not found anything like it since.

One of the points/examples the thesis author made about compulsory heterosexuality was applying heteronormative relationship standards to LGBTQ+ relationships regardless of boundaries.

This sentence will forever be stuck with me:

LGBTQ+ and queer partners who feel obligated to reciprocate or “take turns” in their relationships because of expectations in heteronormative relationships that are perpetuated by straight men might one day find they themselves perpetuate this same heteronormative standard, despite not being heteronormative themselves.

The LGBTQ+ community had long advocated for the straights to stop trying to apply heteronormative relationship dynamics to queer relationships, yet this has inevitably happened due to people within the community.

In other words:

• If you need reciprocity, find a partner who needs it, too.
• Don’t date a pillow princess hoping they will touch you.
• Don’t date a stone top/butch hoping they will let you touch them.
• Lack of reciprocity is not selfish when both parties involved don’t want it to begin with. This is why pillow princesses and stone tops are considered “made for each “other”.
• Trying to change tops into bottoms and bottoms into tops — or into switches — is a form of control, especially when the efforts involved are manipulative. As a pillow princess myself, I consider it sexual abuse because you’re ignoring their boundaries in your favor.

2. They’re NOT homophobic because of their identity

But thinking pillow princesses are homophobic or lesbophobic because of their sexual identity is homophobic.

Sapphic identity is about attraction, not how you have sex. Society is so quick to criticize and control how women have sex, hence this sapphic discourse, whereas men can simply…do what they want to do? and that doesn’t change the validity of their sexual identity? for real? 😒

3. “Pillow princess” applies only to sapphic relationships.

Because “pillow princess” refers to a specific sexual identity in the WLW dynamic, it cannot apply to relationships outside a sapphic (including some nonbinary relationships identifying as “sapphic”) dynamic.

A straight woman cannot be a pillow princess. A man cannot be a pillow princess.

Do you understand what I’m saying? “Pillow princess” is a lesbian/sapphic term associated with a particular dynamic.

Men and women not in sapphic relationships wrongly labeled as pillow princesses are actually starfishes.

4. Pillow princesses don’t do “nothing” & stone tops don’t do “everything”.

This is why understanding the origin of this particular lesbian dynamic is so crucial! This is why you should stop shaming pillow princesses when you’re really referring to starfishes.

• Pillow princesses LOVE to receive pleasure and don’t want to touch their partners.
  • Which means a stone top never has to worry about her/their pillow princess trying to touch them anyways.
• Stone tops LOVE to give pleasure and witness their partner receiving that pleasure. They DON’T feel like they’re “missing out” or “having to do everything”.
  • Which means a pillow princess never has to worry about her/their stone top one attempting to coerce them into something they’re not okay with.

Isn’t that beautiful? If it’s not your thing, then don’t date a pillow princess/stone top — date a switch. It’s literally that simple.

Stop shaming lesbians with boundaries in bed because you don’t like their boundaries. Stop dating lesbians whose intimate boundaries interfere with your intimacy needs with the intention to change them — that’s predatory AF.

Wanting to be with someone in a certain way isn’t something you’re entitled to simply because you want it. Please — that’s what sapphics have long been frustrated with men about!

“Sexual incompatibility” is real. Purity culture encourages women to wait until marriage for sex, while heteronormative society blames wives for not satisfying their husbands.

Living in Texas my whole life, I’ve received little sexual education from the school system and guardians. I’ve learned a lot on my own, consuming books, movies, TV shows and webcomics.

From my observations, the expectation is for women to stay “pure” until they marry a husband and either live up to his expectations or at least pretend like you’re satisfied — or even both — and never complain if you’re not. Women enjoying themselves in bed is essentially frowned upon unless her husband enjoys it. 🤷‍♀️

It’s okay if you’re not sexually compatible with someone you like/love. You can choose to continue the relationship or breakup.

Not every boundary is compromise-friendly.

5. They’re NOT broken.

They might be traumatized, though — and this doesn’t mean they’re “broken”, either.

Oftentimes…

• a pillow princess is such because they were sexually abused in the form of being forced to touch someone else
• a stone top is such because they were touched against their consent

Sexual identity is an identity. Switches are no more valid than pillow princesses and stone tops.

If you’re a switch, then date other switches.

Relationships between pillow princesses and stone tops are highly rewarding and honestly a dream. As a pillow princess myself, finding stone tops is difficult since so many people perceive the dynamic as “lack of reciprocity” (when it’s not) or “laziness” (not that, either).

If you still don’t understand this dynamic, or the harm in shaming WLW people who want this dynamic, seek therapy to help you unpack why you feel the need to control people who are different from you. 🤷‍♀️

Because otherwise, it’s giving “I want to date someone I’m incompatible with because I feel entitled” energy — like when straight men slide into my DMs to say they wish I was straight so they could date me. 🙄

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I might have more to add to this post later. For now, I’ve said everything I’ve to say about it. ✨