I’m so tired of being so formal and shit, so this is what’s on my mind: being a lesbian in the workplace. There are many seemingly non-hetero people around me at work, but I don’t always know for sure because it’s such a professional place. Like, the estrangement with your mom may come up by chance, but it’s mostly just flat conversation as you complete your tasks.

The last time I worked at a department store, I was a cashier, and the most that ever got out about my private life was my declining mental health because I literally killing myself for a job so as to avoid a certain male manager from abusing his power and threatening me into submission just because he could.

Now, I’m an associate, and I’m not one to detail about my work on my blog nowadays, as an adult, but…how the fuck am I supposed to be gay in the workplace, when I don’t know how my coworkers feel about it? It’s almost suffocating at times, like I’m being backed into a corner.

I have a PRIDE PopGrip. I take lesbian romance books to work to read them, so as to display my gay in plain sight. However, I am feminine, so I don’t adhere to the stereotypical wardrobe of a lesbian who “looks gay”, which is actually typically lesbians who identify as more masculine (butch or stud) or half-masculine/half-femme (typically soft butch).

Although I have flannels, I’m still very much mostly femme. I say mostly because I use some hemp lip balm that is essentially a non-Chapstick brand of Chapstick, and I’m not entirely sure what the fuck a Chapstick lesbian is.

Low-key, trying to befriend my male coworkers makes me nervous, because in my experience, guys have never been able to keep it platonic with me. They inevitably, and inescapably, want to date me in the end. A few have even tried to encourage me to try to date them, despite accepting other LGBTQ+ people. They just don’t want me to gay, because it’s like I’m their “One” or some shit.

Which…how can I be “The One” for several guys? Pretty sure it doesn’t work that way.

Next to that is another concern: What if they mistake my kindness and attempts at friendship as infatuation? Like, it’s so fucking awkward.

I look way too young to get on well with people in the 26-35-year-old age range, but I seldom have much in common with people younger than that because I’m just…not there anymore. I’m almost 30 myself, so.

And it all comes back to my gayness.

What if they dislike gay people? Or, like, think gay people are wrong or some shit? (Wait, those two things are the same.) My point is, how the hell are you supposed to be gay in a place where you don’t know who might be for you or against you, especially when you’ve to work with these people?

There are no books.

I Google it and just get articles — no personal stories about this shit.

I get articles about why it’s good, why it’s not required and people should mind their own business, and why so-and-so’s work/life balance is fan-freaking-tastic now that they’re “out” at work.

I don’t get any posts like this one. 😒