Allistic people frustrate and annoy me.
Probably…for the same-ish reasons I, and other autistics, annoy them.
Like, okay. I know autistic people annoy others.
That’s literally everyone, though — everyone has potential to annoy others…
Some groups of people with specific behavior patterns can annoy other groups of people with other specific behavior patterns, though…
There are some behaviors non-autistic people take part in that remind me I’m autistic.
Insisting things I do or say have additional meaning
Why non-autistic people assign meaning to every little thing is beyond me.
Allistics’ reading between the lines convinced me there was a meaning behind everything.
Some things simply are.
Growing up, my family insisted I had all these intentions that never even crossed my mind. I was accused of guilt-tripping, lying and manipulating — all because of my body language and the precise words I spoke.
I spent a lot of my childhood feeling confused after conversations, so I stopped talking to them. But then I wasn’t allowed to have friends like a normal kid, so I was lonely and needed people to talk to.
Fake requests/options
Non-autistic people tend to ask if I can do something or what I’d like to do, and give me options. “No” and “Neither” aren’t acceptable answers, though.
So it feels like I’m being manipulated, since I’m being given a fake request and options.
Asking someone a yes/no question when you want them to do something makes zero sense to me. As I observe people, I find they’re holding back to avoid being authoritative or demanding.
Directness is associated with negativity, whereas passive-aggression is the norm.
Instead, allistics often want other people to guess what they want so they don’t have to say it directly — and expect other people to be compliant.
Those who are not compliant are pathologized.
Not elaborating instructions
Asking non-autistic people to clarify their instructions is met with this impression that I’m being subordinate/sarcastic/a smartass when I’m literally trying to understand them.
Why do they feel so insulted when asked to elaborate? Why is the assumption that I’m purposely trying to cause them stress?
Why do non-autistic people expect other people to read their minds and anticipate their wants?
Their assumptions become reality
In my experience interacting with non-autistic people, I find allistics make assumptions and then demand you compensate them for those assumptions.
Most negative assumptions made about me are when people caught me at/during a bad time, when I was already struggling.
To people unfamiliar with autism, I come across as “ditzy”, “playing dumb”, “weaponizing incompetence”, “lazy”, “making excuses” — the list goes on.
People who understand how my brain works, or at least have some experience interacting with autistic people, recognize my behavior as autism.
My not knowing something and having more questions than a non-autistic person would have are instead perceived as genuine.
Non-autistic people seem to struggle with parting from their assumptions, though. Like anything that causes them to reconsider their perception of reality is a threat, rather than an opportunity to grow as a person.
Taking my personal limits personally
I once told my aunt that I need Google Maps, the ability to see my route before leaving a location, cell service and to go the same route every time except in the event of a detour due to a wreck or construction.
She said, “You’re handicapping yourself doing that.”
I said, “No, that’s what I need.”
She said, “You don’t need it. You need to learn how to not need it.”
A few years ago, I was driving to Sonic with her in the car and set up Google Maps. She said, “You don’t need that since I know where we’re going.”
I said, “I need it so I can stay focused and know what to expect.”
She said, “So you don’t trust me?”
I said, “It’s not about trust. It’s about my needs. I don’t have the capacity for not having Google Maps.”
She said, “It is about trust! You don’t trust me! Just admit it!”
Similar experiences happen with other people, in different contexts.
Nothing I say sticks. They assume my intentions are beyond my literal words and expect me to comfort them or prove them wrong.
What they say ≠ what they mean
An allistic person says, “The trash is full.”
An autistic person may either agree or say nothing.
The allistic person then gets upset because the autistic person didn’t take the trash out. They may say, “Can you take the trash out, please?” in a condescending manner.
This brings us back to what I explained above, with the fake requests/choices. Because “no” is not an acceptable response.
Non-autistic people don’t say what they want you to do or what they mean; they hint at what they want and expect you to read their mind.
It doesn’t make any sense and likely contributes to many marital frustrations between autistic and non-autistic spouses.
Before I stopped using TikTok, I’d see videos by wives about their husband’s weaponized incompetence. The wife would say, “The dishwasher is clean,” and the husband would use clean dishes from the dishwasher instead of unloading it.
The general consensus among non-autistic people seems to be that he should’ve taken the initiative to unload the dishwasher.
In a large family, I understand how that might be necessary. I live with two other people. The dishwasher is frequently full of dirty or clean dishes.
We use clean dishes from the dishwasher until one of us has the energy to unload it. Saying whether the dishes in it are clean or dirty is stating a fact — not applying meaning passive-aggressively.
Assuming everyone is lying
When I share about a personal limitation, the assumption is that I’m lying to avoid something I don’t want to do.
I do plenty of things I don’t want to do everyday.
Here’s what I’ve observed: While it’s definitely not every allistic, it’s enough of them. When they assume someone is lying to avoid something, it’s likely a projection.
Values are opinions to disagree with, so too are personal boundaries.
I don’t relate, nor do I appreciate it.
Perhaps this is why I spend so little time with non-autistic people these days. The emotional labor I’m to perform exhausts me.
What are some things you find annoying about non-autistic people?
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