autnotes 007

Real talk: I am not doing so well.

I have this tendency to push myself and pretend like everything’s okay even when it’s not. I’ve been doing this for so long that I don’t know if it’s genuinely been going on for just a year.

The only thing I know for sure is that I had a brief taste of my ideal life — not worrying about money, not listening to anyone else, just living my life stress-free per my own terms with independence — at the start of this year…

…and I need to get back to that. I’m working on it. It’s just…this whole thing.

I moved back to Garland, in with my grandmother. My cat is confined to the medium-sized Parkland Pet playpen, though I set up blankets at around 10-11pm so she can get up and move about until 2:30ish am. It’s so not ideal for her, but at least it helps her explore and get some exercise.

Thing is, I am giving myself six months maximum but don’t want to take that long, because Galaxy’s house allowance is a ticking time bomb. It’s much too hot, let alone dangerous for a multitude of other reasons, for her to be in her pet playpen in the [dark] garage where my grandmother wants her to be.

To me, that is animal cruelty.

I want to be out in three months maximum, though two would be ideal. It feels like an overwhelming, impossible feat, but I’m trying a few different things.

My name change is, unfortunately, on the back burner again. My list of priorities and values are as followed:

1. Galaxy’s well-being + maintaining custody of her myself
2. My independence
3. My basic needs being met
4. Name change

Self-employment, entrepreneurship, income, etc.

Recently, I came into the realization that passive income will ultimately be the best form of income for me, a chronically ill disabled autistic DID system who can’t always work per conventional work culture standards.

I know how “passive income” sounds. It has taken me years to come to terms with this, I suppose. Autistic, disabled and/or similarly neurodivergent entrepreneurs are saying that it’s done wonders for them, though, in helping maintain independence, so I’m trying it out.

So I’ve got a few things in motion there:

1. I started a blog about blogging to record my journey.

I literally just sold a blog and a domain for this niche because blogging about blogging was burning me out, but…

One of the things that irks me about this niche is the lack of transparency or actually helpful content, and I realized I had a lot to say — I just didn’t want to hang on to old shit I’d written. I wanted new things from me, starting right now, moving forward.

Update (28th July, 2024): I have since imported those posts into L&L and blog about blogging here.

2. Still freelancing.

I think my ultimate goal is to only have a network of freelance clients, but not work with them regularly unless I want to make a little extra. Like, I want to be able to email and say, “I’m currently booking a limited amount of clients between X and Y. If you’re interested, let’s chat!” and not be desperate about it.

But ideally, I don’t want to need freelance work at all. I don’t see that happening between now and six months, or even the next year, so of course it’s a ways off.

I find customers easier to manage and deal with than clients, however. The one-and-done effort is much more palatable.

Next time will be different

I miss my apartment. I don’t feel at home, but displaced. I’ve no tears left to cry about the entire situation — only the will to regain total independence.

Things will be different next time. I will have better boundaries, seeking to please people less. My family will not like my boundaries, but I’m realizing that I do much, much better when my boundaries are respected. I need boundaries so I can take care of me and be a good cat mom.

All the pressures to return to employment stressed me out, methinks. Few family members were happy for me, supporting me and believing that I could do it. Actually, I can only count one who believed that I could do it, counting several that lectured me on how I “can’t just not work”.

Y’all. I was working, like, 70 hours a week.

Regarding boundaries…when it was just me, and I ignored everyone’s criticism because I “shut them out”? I flourished.

But the weight of other people’s expectations and worries bog me down until I’m chained to the ground like a lion in a cage. Every time I roar to communicate, I’m reprimanded harshly.

Next time, I will make my boundaries clearer so everyone understands that I’m living my life per my wants, not theirs — that their expectations and desires for me are not my responsibility…and neither is their disappointment in me.

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P.S. I finally found things to put into my memoir, and all I have to say is that everything that’s happened to me is fair game. If people wanted me to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.

This post is a backdated draft/pending post I felt needed to be out there in the world. I do this sometimes when I clean out my drafts/pending posts.