“I hate being autistic”

Every now and then, I meet someone who hates being autistic. You’re not alone; plenty of autistic people hate autism.

I used to think something was wrong with me because I was autistic, too. My family encouraged me to pray my autism away and would even ask people to put their hands on me to “take some of it away”.

Why you hate autism

I’m not claiming to be able to read your mind. I’m not.

However, acknowledging why people hate autism in the first place is important. Because it’s not only you or other autistic people — it’s society.

Before I accepted myself, I hated the idea of being gay. I didn’t want to be. I researched ways to pass as straight and tried to be like other girls, into guys.

None of my attempts to be straight worked, though. I was still gay. All that happened was compulsory heterosexuality, which is like the LGBTQ+ version of neurodivergent masking.

Straight is essentially the default in society, especially if you live in a conservative state.

And when LGBTQ+ topics come up or LGBTQ+ people make their existence known, people have all sorts of opinions about it — and they let other people know those opinions, too.

People are conditioned to reject differences instead of embracing them; they’re taught to hate differences.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Disabled people are different from able-bodied people. The world is literally not made for us. It’s not made for neurodivergent people.

And yet…here we are, anyway.

Every time someone scoffs at an accommodation request or asks, “Why can’t you just ____ like the rest of us?” that’s called a microaggression.

Microaggressions are subtle displays of discrimination towards a marginalized group — another form of prejudice. They make us feel ashamed for being who we are — for being different. Prejudice shames people for being different.

Microaggressions are still microaggressions, even if the person didn’t intend to be discriminatory.

And you know what this is part of? Ableism.

Ableism is any discrimination that favors able-bodied people, or any prejudice against disabled people.

When ableism is directed inward, it’s called internalized ableism.

Hating your disability or neurotype is one way internalized ableism shows up.

In other words, society conditioned you to hate your autism and is glad you do — because, generally speaking, they think anyone who isn’t like the majority is “wrong”.

That’s not okay.

You’ve literally been conditioned to hate yourself and convinced that that’s okay.

Non-autistic people love stories like yours, because it reinforces this very narrative. They don’t want autistic people to embrace their autism; they want us to want them to save us and turn us into “normal” people.

…”normal”  means conforming to a standard. It’s subjective and dynamic, changing across cultures and environments. It doesn’t mean any one set way of being.

When I think of the pressure to be “normal”, I think of The Giver. In the utopian society, being “normal” wasn’t inherently better; it only meant conforming to the standard way of being.

How to stop hating yourself

We all have things we dislike about ourselves, but hating ourselves completely ventures into the danger zone.

Here are some tips to develop self-love and learn how to cope with being autistic:

1. Seek a therapist

If you can’t afford a therapy for whatever reason, check for low-cost/free mental health clinics.

I know the US has nonprofit mental health clinics. The process goes like:

1. Someone assesses (usually called a “provider”) your need for their services, whether you will have a sliding scale bill or receive services for free, and how long until the next assessment will be (e.g. 6-12 months) to determine if things change.
2. You’ll receive a basic physical (e.g. blood pressure, labs, height, weight) and usually have access to see a doctor when/if needed through the clinic or via a referral to a sliding scale doctor’s office.
3. You’re assigned a psychiatrist. You can request to switch if you don’t like yours and can even ask them to switch you to someone who’s the same gender as you. I received much better care when I did this.
4. You’re given a referral to a therapist and prescribed medication.
5. At least once a month, your psychiatrist will check-in with you and adjust/refill your prescription as needed. They may also decide to wean you off if they think you’re ready.

Therapy makes a huge difference by helping you investigate why you feel so negatively about yourself and teaching you better coping skills.

2. Keep a journal.

Write out all the things you love and hate about yourself. Listing out the latter might not help right now, but it will help you determine the progress you’re making in therapy — how your self-image is changing and whether it’s improving or getting worse.

Another prompt idea: Describe what your life would be like if you weren’t autistic.

• How many of those things are actually impossible because of your autism?
• How many of those things are impossible because society says so?
• How many of those things do you actually want? Cross out the ones you feel obligated to want/do.

3. Do something kind for yourself when you think negatively about yourself.

At first, this one sucks. Like, you literally do. not. care. right?

You need to get into the habit of treating yourself. If you’re not kind to yourself, no one else will be — and you’ll be horrific to everyone else, secretly envious that they get this nice side of you that you don’t even give yourself.

You deserve to like yourself. You deserve to be kind to yourself.

What things do you enjoy doing? What can you spend 5-60 minutes doing when you start thinking ill of yourself?

Apply the concept of energy budgeting to self-care. Each negative thought you have about yourself is 1 Point  the imaginary self-care jar. 1 Point = 5 minutes.

Set aside time each day to count up the points in your imaginary self-care jar, convert them into time, and then spend that time being good to yourself.

The more you do it, the more you’ll enjoy spending time with yourself. You get to know yourself. Doing things builds confidence and self-esteem.

You can stop tracking the points when you start finding excuses to add and count them to have time to yourself.

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Hating things about autism is okay, but not when it becomes so overpowering that it affects your entire well-being. It shouldn’t affect your outlook on life as a whole.

Peer pressure makes us think we’re supposed to want or do certain things in order to be “real” human beings, when that’s the furthest from the truth.

The things that make us different from everyone else are our gifts to the world. That’s not calling autism a superpower, because lots of people are autistic. It’s calling the things that make you stand out — your perspective — your gifts.

One day, with a lil’ self-love, you’ll know how to use them for good. 💖

Other autism resources on my blog:

• Autistic Burnout Journal
• Autism burnout feels like drowning in the ocean while everyone else is on a boat
• I hate being perceived because of autism