4 tips to maintain eating disorder recovery during the holidays

Enjoying the holidays with an eating disorder is challenging, but not impossible. Maintaining your recovery is key, since the holidays make relapsing so easy.

1. Boundaries

Boundaries = how you behave in response to other people’s behavior. When you don’t react the way you’d like to and struggle to cope, that’s cognitive dissonance.

Example:

My family LOVES talking about their weight, their latest diet, and how much they need to workout after eating.

It’s one of the reasons I went no-contact.

Prior to estranging them, I’d say, “I don’t engage in conversations about dieting. I can’t handle that. Please refrain from discussing your diet with me.”

And then…I didn’t. A boundary you don’t enforce doesn’t exist. You have to actually remove yourself from the situation. You have to stop engaging in conversations you say you won’t.

Another example:

Some of my relatives would fish for body compliments after saying they’re fat, wanting me to dispute their negative self-image to help them feel better.

I said, “I’m dealing with my own stuff. I’m not your therapist; I’m not responsible for helping you work through your self-hatred. Don’t count on me for that.”

And I stopped validating them. I stopped enabling them. I stopped commiserating with them. I didn’t engage to their expectations.

I grey rocked, becoming as boring and unengaging as possible so they’d stop seeing me as a source of therapeutic comfort.

To people who aren’t used to healthy boundaries, or don’t like boundaries, they feel mean. I used to be one of those people. There are still times where I experience those feelings.

Healthy boundaries are crucial for self-love, though. They allow you to say “yes” to more things.

Boundary phrases for eating disorder recovery

These boundary phrases are listed for people in eating disorder (ED) recovery, from any ED, towards their family.

Do not use these phrases if you’ve not begun treatment and do not actually have a doctor helping you. (Minnie Maud is not ED treatment.)

1. I will not be discussing my eating disorder treatment with anyone at this time.
2. I only discuss my ED recovery with my doctors.
3. I’m not interested in this discussion.
4. Please don’t include me in this discussion.
5. I don’t want to be around people who talk about calories.
6. I’m going to leave if discussions continue to be about diets, food, weight loss, and calories.
7. Why are you still pressing me to talk about this? I said no.
8. Do not tell me how much I should eat. I will eat as much as my body needs/my treatment plan involves.
9. Are you my doctor? Don’t tell me what I “should” be doing to recover from my eating disorder.

How to reply to comments about your body

1. Why are you commenting about my body?
2. Why do you think it’s appropriate to make comments on my body?
3. Do you think commenting on my body is an acceptable behavior?
4. Why did you feel the need to say that aloud?
5. Why do I need to know what you think about my body?
6. Why do you need to know that?

Last Christmas, I had this conversation with my uncle:

Uncle: You look like you’ve gained some weight. Is that something you’re trying to do?

Me: Why do you think it’s okay to comment on my body?

Uncle: What?

Me: Why do you think it’s okay to make comments about my body?

Uncle: I’m sorry.

Me: Why do you think asking questions about or commenting on my body is appropriate?

Uncle: I’m sorry.

He was so shocked and apologetic. I wonder if he never considered before why asking such questions is the norm.

I felt uncomfortable confronting him and putting up that boundary, but the interaction gave me confidence. It was good for my mental health and recovery to do this.

When people react to you enforcing your boundaries

1. I said I would leave if this discussion continued, so I am.
2. I’m not going to stay and listen to this discussion, so I’m leaving/going somewhere else.
3. If you would like me to stay, then we need to discuss something else.
4. My boundaries are non-negotiable at this time.
5. If my presence here is important, my boundaries need to be respected.
6. I don’t feel safe around you when you ignore my boundaries.
7. You don’t have to like my boundaries, but you do need to respect them.
8. My boundaries help me recover from my eating disorder. Your questions and trying to help enables my eating disorder.

When it’s other people’s non-speaking behavior

Sometimes, people have certain looks that affect us, like the way people look at how you fill your plate or watch you eat to make sure you’re eating.

It’s daunting.

I hate being watched while I eat, especially since I’m autistic and sometimes stim whilst eating. 👀

Or when people put food from their plate onto mine without asking me first, especially if/when they’ve already eaten from it.

In this case, maybe your boundary is to go into another room or leave altogether — if you can leave.

2. Bring food you like

Or even a full-on meal that you will actually eat, if you struggle to eat the menu provided.

There are only a few traditional holiday foods I enjoy eating. Recovering from atypical anorexia is priority; I also have avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID) because of sensory processing reasons.

My fam will randomly change the menu without notifying “the kids”, i.e. the grandchildren, even if we’re all adults anyway. I don’t eat a lot of barbecue, but they loved it. 🫠

I’d mentally prepare myself for the family’s traditional comfort food sensory experience and arrive to find it’s all barbecue-based. I’m allergic to vinegar, so I can’t have an entire meal around it.

I’ve heard of other autistic adults, or parents of kids who like certain foods, bringing a lunch box/bag with foods they can eat at meal time instead, plus snacks. This way, you’re still eating with your family and eating what you want/like.

If it’s a potluck, consider contributing a dish or two!

3. Create an exit plan

In the event you need to leave, have an exit plan. Your coping strategies are precautions in the event of, not preventative measures.

Sometimes, ish happens and your coping skills don’t work. Recognizing that you need to leave is a Big, Important Step.

If you don’t have a car, you’ll be relying on other people to help you leave and may run into more obstacles. Might there be a friend or family member who will serve as an ally and take you away when you need to go?

If you do have a car, park where you don’t need other people to move their cars. If that situation is unavoidable, feign a friend having an emergency and needing your help so people will move their vehicles instead of prying. It can be a fake friend. 💁‍♀️

If I was desperate to escape a situation, I’d say my friend was in a car accident and needed me to watch her kids because her family was out of town. Which friend? Doesn’t matter.

4. Take the focus off food

Discussions during the holidays tend to focus heavily around food, eating, dieting, exercise, calories, and body image.

Try to steer conversations away from these topics. If you can’t, bring your boundaries into play.

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What tips do you have for people managing the holidays whilst recovering from an eating disorder?