autnotes 001: smells like home

autnotes are the autistic version of weeknotes. The old way of doing life updates don’t fit me anymore and are too general for what I want to write — actual insights to my life as an autistic person. Losing the autistic mask has taught me that, despite all the self-advocacy, only a few people on this planet are listening to autistic people and taking our life experiences to heart.

I like the concept of weeknotes, but wanted an autistic-specific version. I’m still learning who I am outside of an autistic mask, so this is a column journeying into that. Hence autnotes.

I don’t know why I bother with dating apps anymore. Most every single match ends up disappointing in some way or another — or I end up disappointing them. Diagnosis doesn’t bother me, but behavior does.

Beyond that, I think I might love my cat too much…and my wants/goals/dreams. I know what I want, and I know the concept of “settling down” will do nothing but hold me back.

I want a girlfriend/wife/mate who isn’t trash. I also like to be single. As for friends…I want those, too, but I don’t want to have to put up with certain prejudice. I don’t have the energy for that.

A second income would be amazing during inflation, but alas…I only want to fill my apartment with my aesthetic.

I’ve been low-key decorating my apartment — from multi-use blue moth stickers on my black fridge to a colorful rug in the hallway. Moths aren’t my thing, but they def look great against a black fridge.

Tortoiseshell kitten sitting in front of black fridge ft. blue moth stickers

Home-scented home

Scents are such a big deal for me. I’ve been working to make my new apartment feel like home because my first apartment never did, but my biggest struggle has been finding scents that work.

The wax melts that worked at my old apartment bring up bad memories — scent serves as a PTSD trigger for me. I gave most of my old wax melts away to my aunt, because I wasn’t going to use them at all and didn’t want to be reminded of them.

Then there are the scents associated with early autism burnout. Although used in this apartment (my spinster flat), my autism burnout was not a fabulous time that I want to remember much of.

I’m currently on ScentSationals Cashmere Cream + Crimson (cranberry and oak). A cube of each is in my kitchen warmer, and a cube of Cashmere Cream is in my bathroom warmer. I found the two wax melt packages on an alley feature in grocery, probably from as associate who zoned a nearby aisle.

It was total accident, but also some kind of happenstance. Combined, they smell like what I imagine comfort to smell like. Crimson smells masculine but Cashmere Cream evens it out. If a hug had a scent, it would be as decadent and luxurious as Cashmere Cream.

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