Faking DID: How to cope when you struggle with your multiplicity

I feel like I’m faking my dissociative identity disorder diagnosis.

Thing is, I received the diagnosis nearly 10 years ago.

Still, not a day goes by when I don’t feel like I’m not faking my dissociative identity disorder (DID) diagnosis. There is an entire collection of people on the internet — in Reddit subs, Facebook groups, and so on — who will go on a witch hunt to “fakeclaim” DID systems, which doesn’t help matters.

Bathroom mirror selfie, head down, phone up

I feel like I’m faking my DID diagnosis for a few specific reasons. Here are two.

My family doesn’t understand/accept my DID — not fully.

Some family members accept DID to an extent — so long as it’s “acceptable”, i.e. covert and not overt. It needs not show, and I need to ascribe to one name only. Every single action taken under that one name is obviously just me, even if it’s actually another alter.

Living like this is really exhausting, but having multiple social media accounts is too much of a hassle to be a viable solution.

Because I can somewhat to do this using a shell alter, I get the feeling I’m faking DID. Because under the shell alter/filter, I’m clearly a singlet — not a multiple or even acting as one. The shell acts like a singlet, also known as a non-system. It’s the entire alter role. Under the shell, I have the appearance of not being a system.

The logic is that, since I can fake being a non-system so well, am I really a system? Even though it’s just the shell, an automated version of me performing all the necessary tasks to survive on this planet at the expense of the body’s overall well-being?

I know that if I wasn’t really a DID system, my family would actually love me because I would be “whole” in their eyes.

DID systems aren’t broken, but this is the logic of many singlets.

What if I’m subconsciously lying?

I’m well aware that I overanalyze everything. But hear me out:

What if I am subconsciously lying about being a system and don’t know that I’m not actually a system?

What looks like a duck and sounds like a duck is supposedly a duck — but what if it’s actually a penguin in a duck costume and doesn’t know it’s not a duck??

I often wonder whether it’s possible to be living a lie without knowing about it at all. Of course, this would mean my blackouts, personal detachments, and out-of-body experiences would also have somehow been faked…but??

And there is an alternate version of me who used the DID diagnosis like it’s a freaking party trick (mostly dormant for that very reason).

But what if I’m actually a singlet, regardless of everything, and just don’t know about it? Like, what if my alters are just my imagination?

But then…are the forgotten purchases my imagination, too? And people calling me by different names?

I don’t always know who I am.

I don’t always know my name.

But today, I know I am Jane.

And I know well enough about my DID diagnosis to know that this is part of it. Because the brain seeks to keep dissociation a secret. Because trauma.

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We also feel like we are faking it because it just seems to be too much to have a complex disorder like this. What helps us a lot to remind uns that we aren’t fake is what a friend (also a system) told us one day:
If you are faking, you can switch on command, without dissociating, in seconds. Do it right now, on command.
You will find out that this is hard and not possible, because you are not faking it. It is real.

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Alright.. so we’ve been suspecting ourselves as a system for a while now but the thing is none of us can really remember any events that could’ve caused the system, which is one of the main reason of why we think we’re probably faking. What I’m trying to figure out is if we are a system or could I have misunderstood something when researching? Sorry if this was worded wrong!!

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I’ve been suspecting plurality in myself and maybe being a shell? Or maybe being with a shell.. I don’t know.

If you’re comfortable with sharing, I’d love to hear more about your experience with what you called a shell alter

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Hi Alex!

My (Jane) experience with the shell alter is like if an alter embodied the concept of autistic masking. They’re essentially “nothing and no one”, yet “anything and everyone”. Like a chameleon or Playdough. They’re nothing, and they’re everything. They’re Survival Mode. They exist to survive, but not to connect.

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I see! Is anyone able to interact with the shell the way they would anyone else in the headspace?

Like is the shell someone you can also talk to? Has anyone tried?

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The shell doesn’t have communicative properties; it’s just a shell in our experience, literally and figuratively. We practice functional multiplicity, so it’s essentially all of us binding together as one, numb alter. It takes a lot out of us. -Ari

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Ah that makes more sense. I couldn’t tell if it was an alter or just a thing that exists for some people when I was reading about it from others.

I think that really is what I might be experiencing then.

Is it kind of like.. the place or thing that holds everyone together?

Thank you so much for sharing with me 🙂

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Is it kind of like.. the place or thing that holds everyone together?

This sounds like it exactly, yes! Like if a place within the headspace could be an alter.

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salem is our host, and ae think this all the time despite the fact that i exist. your journey, your existence – it’s for nobody to question but you, but in my experience, salem is comforted by the fact that you would definitely be aware if you were alone. there are genuinely people that exist in the world who can sit in a room and hear silence: no voices, no feelings, no fog, just… quiet. that isn’t us.

im sorry that you guys are struggling with this. we’re always here if you ever need to reach out!!!

-faun (cohost)

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Sorry this is a late response. 😳 Happens with blogging vs systemness 💩 thank you for the kind comment. 💖

It’s so baffling to us that people sit in silence, no voices in their heads. Or that people just have a conscience, no legitimate identities with their own values and characteristics.

All in all (is that the saying? 🤔), we are actively working through this and making adjustments in our life so we feel less “crazy”, as our family calls us, and more just…like ourselves. 🤷‍♀️💖

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