I deserve epic love — not the kind that leaves me questioning where I stand.

As a hopeless romantic, I enjoy the sentiment of long walks along the beach. I’d rather receive a fruit bouquet than actual bouquet of flowers — or, hej, a potted plant. When I dreamt of meeting the love of my life in my youth, it was never a man. It was also never a person until I accepted my sexuality as a le-dollar-bean (le$bean).

I grew up on fairy tales and Tinkerbell, on believing in epic love instead of settling for mediocre love. Choosing to marry someone for their money, class and/or status appealed not to me. I’d rather have love over prestige.

Being a lesbian, I know it is harder for me to find love. I also know it’s even harder for me if I’m not actively seeking it.

Yet, I also believe that my great, epic love could be anywhere in the world. We could have already met and just not know it, or we tried something and the timing was all off. Love is patient and kind — not something you can control. You can only control what you do with yourself in the meantime, and I choose to drop the dating apps. They bring loneliness and the impression that I need to constantly be “on”, impressing people enough to want to interact with me.

I don’t have that time, or the desire to give that time. I don’t want to spend nearly two hours every day hoping this next person is going to be “the one”. They’re just gonna ghost — or worse, most — after barely two months and always have a last-minute reason they cannot meet.

Why waste my energy on inauthenticity? I’d rather be watching Schitt’s Creek and eating freshly grated cheese. I’d rather be drinking a book and reading tea (I KNOW WHAT I SAID). Scrolling TikTok is a much better time-waster than dating apps themselves.

Any search for dating app tips gives you a list that looks all too much like creating an Instagram presence for your blog or business. You literally  to copy write your dating profile in attempt to find a viable match, use professional photos, and ensure you’re available to chat and swipe a minimum of one hour per day to increase exposure.

That doesn’t reek of the great, epic love of my dreams.

I want to be someone’s great, epic love of their dreams just as I am theirs.

Female-presenting person looking up, with lit heart holding a question mark above her head
Photo by Jonathan Andrew from Pexels

I’m tired of talking to women who don’t know what they want out of life, or who have such static ideals and desires there is no room for compromise. She wants to move to the go-to state for retirement (Florida), but I only ever want to visit Florida. She doesn’t want to travel, but I do want to travel.

I’m tired of talking to women who are only on dating apps because they’ve just broken up and/or need a rebound/distraction. I’m not interested in being a rebound.

I’m tired of women who don’t know what they want in regard to romance, but try to start something anyway — only to change their minds when they realize it’s going somewhere and actually isn’t what they’re interest in or ready for.

Most of all, I’m tired of wasting my time and feelings on women who clearly aren’t interested in, or looking for, the same thing. I know what I want. I know that love doesn’t have to be in a person. I know that I deserve more than questioning her feelings, where I stand, where we stand, and whether she’s as into me as I am into her.

One day, I’m going to be the best thing that ever happened to someone. She’s going to love my quirks, randomness, and all that which makes me my unique self. She’s going to accept my alters and not just because her favorite comic book character had dissociative identity disorder. Neither of us will have to chase.

I believe in interacting with someone’s social media posts and not being penalized for it.

I believe in spontaneous phone calls — that is, not having to ask permission before calling or having a reason to call each other.

I believe women who will cook you food because they genuinely want to exist — not because of heteronormative traditions.

I believe in finding new ways to woo each other after the commitment is “obvious”.

I believe in continuing to date after marriage. There’s a woman out there who favors their SO planning the cutest stay-at-home dates that don’t require anything from them except their presence.

I believe in transparent communication and not withholding truths just because it’s awkward and/or uncomfortable to talk about, because we both respect each other.

I believe in us both respecting each other — not lopsided respect.

I believe a woman who shares my core values exists and neither of us will have to sacrifice them.

I believe real, true love transcends time and space. The timing matters not. Societal expectations matter not. What other people think matters not.

I don’t just dream about it anymore.

I demand it.

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