When I turned 18, grown men were happy I was legal.
They’d say, “Wow, you look 16!”
And ask me why I didn’t look happy to hear that.
Women react similarly, though not in a way that has me wondering if they’re in a predator directory.
Looking young is a beauty standard in many cultures and societies. Some do value signs of old age, equating them to wisdom.
But the longing for youthfulness is romanticized, encouraging women to look like children — infantilizing, to say the least.
Here’s me from 2006-2013.
Second Row: 2009; 2009; 2010
Third Row: 2011; 2012; 2013
And below we have photos taken this month (June 2014):
It doesn’t matter what I wear, even if I wear makeup. I always look younger. In these photos, I’m 23.
Creepy men tell on themselves
Men 10+ years my senior hit on me like telling a grown woman she looks like a child is a compliment.
“You don’t look a day over 16.”
“You could pass for a 14-year-old!”
When I was 18, I’d be hit on by men who seemed nervous to hit on me until they found out I was 18. My no longer being a child in legal regard excited them, for I fit their “barely legal” dreams.
Historically speaking, patriarchal structures based a woman’s beauty on male desire, marriageability and perceived fertility.
But I can’t help wondering if what influenced the patriarchy’s definition of female beauty is rooted in something deeper.
My grandmother was 17 when my grandfather laid eyes on her. When she turned 18, they began dating. They married as soon as she graduated high school. He was 27.
Men being attracted to women much younger than them is nothing new. Look at royal history. All the child brides.
How the biggest opponents of laws in the USA against marrying children are from religious groups belonging to Christianity.
I’ve found out men I attend church with are not men who belong around minors.
Because if a man looks at me and thinks, “She’s my type,” because I look young — and are ecstatic to find out I’m not younger than 18 — that is a huge red flag.
It’s not a compliment.
Society infantilizes baby-faced people
Living in a society that favors youth as beauty in women is ironic.
Because if you look young the way people who don’t look young try to look (and even lie about), you’re infantilized.
“What?! You don’t LOOK 22!” becomes “There is no way you’re 22. Show me your ID” while you’re trying to buy cough syrup and cough drops while working a register with the flu because your job thinks you somehow faked a fever to go home earlier on Christmas Eve.
Even my family treats me like I’m naive because I’m autistic and “look like a child”. Being autistic, I already know I seem childish to non-autistic people.
However, this notion that people who look young lack any wisdom or immature solely because of what chapter of life they’re in is not the same as someone 10 years older than them.
In my experience, adults have as much to learn from children as children do from them.
Last I checked, an adult with a baby-face was an adult with a baby-face.
I’m treated like I’m younger
At home, I’m treated like a child.
In public, I’m also treated like a child.
I went to a skincare event I was invited to as a local blogger. I wore an athletic-style shirt and shorts, which I understand didn’t help myself.
And I also know I’ve got small chest problems that do not work in my favor and did a Pilates thing where my undershirt gave everything away because there are no bras for chests this small in 2014. I looked.
When I entered to win a raffle drawing, the woman asked me if I was at least 18. She had the same concerned look on her face a teacher gives a third grader who wet their pants.
(It was me. I wet my pants in third grade.)
The kind of face that doesn’t believe you if you don’t give the answer they want.
I said, “Yes.”
My cousin put her raffle into the box. Mine was interrupted by the woman.
I had a sinking feeling she threw my raffle ticket away.
I’m not sure if I will be able to attend anymore events as a local blogger in the DFW Metroplex.
It’s 2014. The world isn’t ready for people like me.
I’ve lost out on professional opportunities
I feel like I’ve not had a fair chance at professional opportunities in general, whether blogging or traditional job-based opportunities.
Many Dallas blogger events have to do with alcohol, which I’m allergic to. I also don’t understand the appeal of, like, events promoting alcoholism.
While I grew up in environments where drinking alcohol was normalized and do live where alcoholic beverages are taboo, I also never felt the pull to consume something that makes my brain feel weird.
(There was an incident in middle school, where my brother drank a strawberry kiwi wine cooler, and I tried some, and we thought it was soda.)
I grew up with friends who went to parties, got wasted, and laughed about what they did while out of their wits and don’t understand.
I’d rather stay home and play computer games or something.
But I also wonder about, like, why is there nothing less focused on meeting up with fellow DFW bloggers to burn our taste buds with beer or drink sour things?
Things I can’t do with a baby-face
There are things I will probably never be able to do.
In 9th grade, I had to check-in my elementary school sister late. The receptionist asked me what my name was, asked where my tardy note was.
When I said I was in high school, she acted like I was lying. I said my mom was waiting for me outside and walked out.
In my 30s, I will probably still not be able to chaperone church or school sleep-ins for my siblings, due to risk of being mistaken for a student within the sleep-in.
External expectations to perform maturity due to my baby-face
External suggestions to counteract the negative effects of having a baby-face include
- wearing makeup
- dressing differently, more “professionally”
- trying to “act more adult”
But those suggestions are part of the problem. The notion that an adult needs to look, act or behave in a certain way so someone else will perceive them as an adult to treat them respectfully is built on archaic standards due to patriarchal structures.
The goalposts will always move, depending on the situation and another person’s expectations.
Rather than trying to find ways to mold myself into something more palatable, why not have more discussions about how unchecked bias is projected onto others to be accommodated?
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Comments on this post
MaddyKG
Snap! I still look younger than my age, although now I appreciate it a bit. When I was 16 I looked 11 (according to an old lady customer where I was working), and once when I was 24 I was mistaken for 12. I laughed it off at the time but it disturbed me all the same. Youthful appearance runs in my family (both sides).
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Jenn~
Cute post. I totally know how you feel though. My voice always sounded like I was super young. One time after I ordered pizza they called back to make sure it wasn’t a kid just calling, lol. My dad’s side of the family all look really young for their age and I’ve also inherited it. I’m use to it now.
Liz
Ah! I was trying to order pizza with my stepmother’s (Kim’s) card, as per her wishes, and the guy was like, “Yes, I see… sweetie, is your mommy home?” She didn’t understand why I couldn’t order the pizza for her.
Liv
Are you sure all these photos aren’t taken the same year? Lol just kidding! This article might be of interest to you.
In my case, Asians think I’m in my 20s, while Americans think I’m 16-17. I’m not sure what they’re talking about because I looked a lot younger than I do now in 2006-2010 (high school), and back then I did look my age. But in general I am good at telling people’s ages so maybe to them I still look the same.
If I look at your photos more carefully you have a bit more of a mature vibe now than in the older photos, but you definitely don’t age at the rate most people do! XD Hopefully you’ll meet more understanding people who’ll let you do the things you’re legal to – I’ve never had an American be shocked at my age even if they had thought I’m a teen.
Holly
I’ve been told that I don’t age, yet I never get asked for ID when buying alcohol, which must mean that I’ve looked over 18 for years!!
But then again I went on holiday a couple of years ago and got asked if I’d like to join the kids club – bearing in mind it only went up to 16 years!
Bhairavee
Wow… you look exactly the same in all the photos… I’ve kinda of that problem at times, but not always… Sometimes people don’t believe me when I tell them that I am about to graduate! It’s very irritating to make them believe!
Christine
I could understand being annoyed by that! I don’t think I ever looked younger than I was (I was a smoker and a tanner in my teens), but now that I’m teaching at a university, I’m one of the younger people and if I don’t dress up enough…I get mistaken for a student. I’m 27 by the way. 🙂 The other day I went to work in jeans to grab some things quickly and the security guard asked “Where are you going young lady?” Well..gee..to my office?
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Cat
Wow, you do look the same in the photos! I have the same issue where I look younger than my actual age. When I was younger, I was always afraid people would think my ID was fake, and I’d get a lot of looks of disbelief.
I’ve aged a bit where people now think I’m a college student. Last year, a college intern thought I was also an intern, and just today, someone thought I was still in school. To be honest, I kind of enjoy it because I’ll be 30 next year. I guess I’ve reached the point where I think it’s more of a good thing than an inconvenience 😉
Hiro
I get that all the time. Just a few days ago, as I was going to register at the Volunteer Office at the medical school for my internship, the lady in charge asked me, “How old are you?” so that she could hand me a packet for parental consent for the internship for kids under 18. And people are always super surprised when they realize I’m not “on break” from college, but rather, just graduated from grad school.
BUT I’m getting to that age (25) where looking younger is not such a bad thing anymore, as I see my peers around my age starting to have a lot of health issues or skin issues and such… Who knows. I’ve grown up always being told by people around me “You’ll appreciate it when you’re 30!”
Let’s hope it’s true and it was worth all the times I’m looked at as a high schooler for the past 8 years…
Liz
The “You’ll appreciate it when you’re 30!” line always annoys me, though. 😡
Darnielle
I have the same problem. I think it’s because I have a chubby face and insist on dressing like a teenager for as long as I can get away with it. I’m only three years away from 30, so I should probably start trying to look like an adult.
Good thing about this is, we’ll be looking like we’re 40 when we’re 50!
Liz
XD Ah, the teenager clothes… Clothes from sixth grade still fit me (i.e. the Dessau Middle School shirt from the 2009 picture with the dog, Foxy Roo) — that is, unless I shrunk, which results in clothes being too big for me… Other than that, I’m the fairly same. I enjoy being able to wear those clothes, though, because they’re not boring, and many of them flatter my childlike body rather than making me look like I’m trying to fill clothes I’m not yet ready for.
Stephanie
Yes, you do look exactly the same in all of them! As a fellow 23-year old, I find that how old people think I am had everything to do with my clothes, hair, and makeup. When I’m in a T-shirt and jeans, I look 18. When I’m dressed more formally, then I look like I’m in my mid twenties. -.-
I know that I’m about to suggest something that is very much not you, but if for some reason, you really need to look older (helps with job interviews and anything business related), then I’d suggest some eyeliner, thicker framed glasses, and business casual clothing. Parting your hair down the middle, or some other change in hairstyle might also help.
Liz
In ‘casual business clothing’, I still look much, much younger than I really am. 😡 Black eyeliner seems to be all that works, but I’m allergic.
…The hairstyle will probably never change. 😉 I also used to have it parted down the middle, but it goes flat and makes me look uber young… I have photos of that look on my old laptop. The side-swept part is what makes me look older (it help when I have bangs, too).
I just have a baby face. 😐
(I also lack a full chest. That probably contributes greatly to the age assumption.)
cantaloupe
I was going to suggest bangs!
I get carded often, but it’s almost entirely because of my style, or rather, lack thereof. I have zero style in my hair and usually wear it up. I wear minimal makeup because I am lazy. Jeans and a tshirt is my go-to outfit. And for whatever reason, people think that only young people could be so lazy as to not put huge amounts of effort into their appearances, haha.
Robin
THIS, THIS, THIS. UGH. I have this exact same problem. People don’t understand how frustrating it is. I am twenty-six and people frequently think I am seventeen or eighteen. Customers at past jobs have asked why I am not in school. Cashiers have thought that my ID was fake. One time, a cashier demanded to know who I was married to; she seemed to think I was a kidnapped underage bride or something (I reported her behavior to the store manager and the store’s corporate office).
Sara
Okay, I’m not going to say, but given my age I am thinking it:~)
On the other hand, I felt much like you when I was young. I never looked my age and got carded a lot more than my friends, even with makeup.
We didn’t leave the house without makeup when I was growing up. Thank goodness, times have changed. It takes way too long to put on makeup every single day:~)
Georgie
I think this has inspired me to write a blog post. I’m the same age as you (few months younger!) and I look exactly how I did in 2005. I believe I put a before/after photo on Instagram a while back. I guess, apart from a bit of puppy fat and creases, I don’t look like I have matured. I want to write a blog post on my own experiences as well – I hate makeup, but when I wear it, I look a bit older. When I wear frames (I don’t wear glasses) I look older… but all that is apart from my natural self.
I guess, yeah, I will be glad when I’m older since I will look young (someone thought my mother, well into her fifties, was twenty-six, before she said “well my daughter is twenty-two…” (the person was well embarrassed)), and that’s usually what people want. But… uh… no, there are issues involved, and it gets annoying.
I have learned to laugh it off, but I can see why it can become inconvenient, insulting, or uncomfortable.
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