Being autistic in a neurotypical-by-default society means people feel entitled to saying hurtful things to you.
It’s weird, and I don’t get it.
Last updated: 6th September, 2024
1. “You aren’t autistic; you have autism. Don’t let autism win.”
Accepting my autism means I win. Accepting myself as an autistic person means I win. It means self-love.
You cannot remove the autism from the person. This is not love-the-person-hate-the-autism. That doesn’t even work for gay people.
(I know, because I am a lesbian.)
2. “You’re lucky, because my child will never be able to have a blog.”
Not with that language s/he/they won’t.
3. “When were you diagnosed?”
Why is this an okay question to ask? It’s none of your business when someone was diagnosed with anything — unless you’re their doctor or are asking in some other official, legal setting.
Seriously, it’s none of your business.
4. “Can I see proof? Can you show me a copy of the papers?”
What, like there’s some sort of Autistic Certificate everyone has?
5. “Stop rocking/swaying.”
Rocking and swaying is a healthy, vestibular stimming behavior. Aside from annoying people who think everyone should sit robotically, it’s harmless.
Stimming is important for autistic people; it helps us self-regulate.
6. “I wish you wouldn’t think like that. You need to pray to God so he’ll take it away.”
This one was really said to me by a relative. 🥴
You can’t “pray it away”. Certain Christians are so keen to have everyone be “normal” per their definition of it that they wind up excluding a large part of the population in literally the worst way.
Dimples used to be considered a birth defect, but now they’re normalized, accepted into society, and even adored. Since they were considered a birth defect way back when, I wonder how many people perceived dimple-havers to be possessed by a demon or something.
7. “I’m sorry.”
…for what?
8. “It’s okay, babe. I know it’s not who you are. You’re much bigger than that.”
Um, what?
No — autism is exactly who I am. My autism defines me. Autism is my personality.
If a partner ever says this to me again, I will dump them.
9. “But you seem so normal.”
“Normal” is completely dependent on the majority.
10. “You don’t look autistic.”
What does autistic look like?
Do I look at least look 33? 🤔
11. “Have you tried [insert treatment(s) here]?”
Have you tried learning what autism is and to accept it?
12. “You can’t be autistic because [insert reason here].”
You can’t be straight, because you always have a #WCW (Woman Crush Wednesday).
13. “You must be high-functioning.”
Autism functioning labels don’t describe an autistic person’s experience with autism — they describe how non-autistic people experience someone’s autism.
I know an autistic person who can make eye contact act like an extrovert, and bake Linzer cookies from scratch.
I also know an autistic person who can’t maintain eye contact and comprehend what you’re saying, who needs easy meals that heat up in the microwave or freezer, who finds speaking utterly exhausting.
It’s me — I’m both of them.
14. “How do you not notice these things?”
I catch what non-autistic people don’t and miss what they do.
15. “Everyone’s a little autistic.”
No — that’s the point. If everyone were “a little autistic”, then everyone would be autistic. Autism would be the norm.
You can’t be “a little” autistic; it doesn’t work that way. Autism isn’t like being sick. You’re either autistic or you’re not.
16. “Do you take medication for that?”
Even doctors ask me this. It’s so baffling and ignorant and unhelpful and insulting.
17. “I didn’t even notice. You hide it well!”
It’s called masking…and the fact that you didn’t notice isn’t a compliment, but an insult.
Autistic people should not feel obligated or be encouraged to hide an innate part of who they are.
18. “You have no right to speak for severely autistic people who can’t speak for themselves.”
…you wouldn’t know this, even if you’ve met me in person, but I am primarily non-speaking.
I spend most of my days not speaking. I spend most of my days not saying a single word.
I spend most of my time talking to people via the written word.
Non-speaking autistic people DO have a voice. They CAN speak for themselves. The real issue is whether you are open to listening to people expressing themselves beyond verbal communication.
I spend a large part of my life not speaking…and spent many years speaking to ease my discomfort and mask my autism.
Speaking is exhausting.
Moreover, there is no such thing as “mild” or “severe” autism. It’s not condiments or taco seasoning. Those labels are about how non-autistic people experience someone’s autism, not how autistic people experience their autism.
I experience the world similarly to how other people do, including your child. I’ve been an autistic child. So, yes, I do know what I’m talking about. I can speak about it.
Not once do I claim to speak for every single autistic person. Do you speak for every single non-autistic person?
I don’t have anything else to add right now, but…well…I’m assuming there will be more.
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Comments on this post
Lulu
All of these are pretty rough.
The “I’m sorry” one is more complicated.
– Some people use it when they don’t know what to say.
– Some people use it when they care about you and are trying to tell you.
– Some people use it and forget the rest of the statement. IE – “I’m sorry that there are situations that are hard for you because of the problems you face.”
The list goes on. I find myself filling in what wasn’t said after the “I’m sorry”.
Liz
Most people, in my experience, are usually sorry I’m autistic because of the stigma surrounding it. Nevertheless, I see “I’m sorry” as a platitude in these situations. Whatever reason it’s used for, it doesn’t make it right. Space doesn’t need to be filled when people don’t know what to say.
Luana
With a post like this, you definitely didn’t let ignorance win. 🙂 That’s great!
We are all born ignorant, and innocently so, but when one refuses knowledge… Ugh!
I used to be very ignorant about autism and other things years ago, I also misunderstood autism for a mental illness (my dad worked in a mental clinic before retiring, and I heard a lot of talk about autism every time I went there for volunteer service) instead of a neurological condition.
But I was always open to learning, so when I got into talking autism with an autistic friend and the possibility (for me) to be on the spectrum, it was a very eye opening experience. I asked a lot of questions and it was a lovely exchange. From there, I learned which resources to read online about autism, because some are outdated.
Generally, I don’t condemn ignorance, as we were all ignorant at some point, but the *will* to want to stay ignorant and to use that as a means to show disrespect, aggressivity and lack of tact. That’s really awful and even cruel. Also shows a big lack of empathy, something humanity needs more, I feel.
You know, I love what you wrote about autistics being God’s gift to the world. I feel they are; that every person is, the unique way God created her/his/them.
Big hugs,
~ Luana
Georgie
Even just reading some of these made me angry, especially #8. I also don’t mean to generalise but these are often said to people with any kind of disability or disorder, and the bottom line is that they are all insensitive things to say. I have tried to put myself in the shoes of autistic people since knowing you (and some of my other friends with autism), and I can understand why these things can be frustrating to hear.
I think it was quite eye opening for you to have written this post for others to read. It’s brutally honest and frank. Sometimes people just need to be told what’s okay and what isn’t. Thank you for sharing this. I really value your posts that are so honest about your experiences with autism. 🙂
Hiro
What, like there’s some sort of Autistic Certificate everyone has?”
Oh my goddd seriously??? People ask this??? Agh.
But then again… Why am I shocked….
I get some of those kinds though, with brain injury. I’m so “~high functioning~” to them that they always want to minimize my struggles and severity because they can’t wrap their minds around the concept that someone can APPEAR “normal” and yet have a very very different neurology and functioning than they do. Thankfully, no one has asked for proof yet, but I’m always more than happy to show them my brain scans. LOL.
My violin teacher (whom I loved dearly, RIP) told me back in high school (while I was in midst of severe depression that debilitated me), that I just need to accept God, he’ll help me. Oh yeah okay.
Liz
Here and there, yes, people actually ask for the proof—to see my medical file(s).
Kya
It is so annoying that these type of questions and mentality even exist. /zzz