What happens when you go no-contact with family

People who don’t go no-contact don’t understand the effects of going no-contact with family.

Yes, I’m no-contact — but it wasn’t my family’s decision. They still have their own views of how I should behave and how I need to “cut this out” and “grow up” and “be an adult” and “move on already”. 🥴

And they don’t let me forget it.

So I do, definitely, understand what going no-contact is like.

1. You’re subjected to criticism and vilification.

People who cut their family off are considered “cold” and “heartless” by many people in society. The gist is that you “abandoned” the people who’ve been there all this time, even if they haven’t.

The reason you did it does not matter to society;

Relatives you do decide to keep in your life may decide to cut you off, too, because they don’t believe estranging yourself from family is “right”.

2. You might lose relationships with the children.

If you cut your parent(s) out of your life, they might seek punishment or revenge by keeping your siblings from you.

This happened to me — my egg donor kept my siblings away from me to maintain that control. She and her abusive husband also filled their heads with all sorts of lies about me throughout the years.

For a while, my younger two maternal half-siblings had a relationship with me from afar, but they feared she’d find out and eventually stopped. I know that fear, since I used to experience it in regard to wanting a relationship with my bio dad. 💁‍♀️

You have to decide for yourself whether going no-contact with relatives, when kids are involved, is worth it. No one can decide that for you.

For me, the pain of losing them eventually subsided. They grew into versions of their parents, less so individuals, who see me as the enemy/a person in desperate need of psychiatric help.

Not having a relationship with them after growing from the estrangement makes it hurt less; I don’t hurt at all anymore over it. I don’t know them, so why would I?

We’re all strangers now.

3. You will be stalked.

Estranged relatives don’t comprehend what they did to lead to being cut off. They view you as the villain who “just wants to hurt [them]” and themselves as the innocent victims.

I know it’s weird.

I kid you not, my maternal brother’s wife reacted to a few of my Facebook posts, then quickly undid it — but I’d already seen the notifications.

I went on a blocking spree and blocked around 50 total accounts across Facebook and Instagram. They were even making accounts for dead people. 👀

Meta does this thing across all its platforms, where you can suggest that someone “needs help” and Meta will show mental health resources. I kept seeing those notifications almost every day or week and couldn’t figure out why until I stopped seeing them after my blocking spree. 🤔

4. They don’t accept reality.

I say what I want to say, and what I mean, and the response from them is one of the following:

  • “You don’t mean that.”
  • “I know you just want to hurt me.”
  • “This isn’t like you.”
  • “This isn’t you; it’s your mental illness.”

These phrases are their way of deflecting, so they don’t have to acknowledge, accept and learn how to feel and deal with their own feelings.

I know it says nothing truly about me.

If you’re going no-contact with relatives because their behavior poisons your mental health, be ready for them to perceive you as needing mental help or having some rare mental illness as a result of their emotional immaturity.

The way mine don’t accept reality is honestly so weird to me. I’m autistic and need to understand the why behind some things, but this…I honestly load up The Sims 4 and play it instead. 🤷‍♀️ ‘Tis the only way for me.

It’s like they live in a bubble that functions one way, whilst the rest of the world continues revolving outside of that bubble.

5. Estranged family doesn’t perceive their actions as “abusive” or “harassment”.

They perceive their abusive, harassing behavior as “caring”.

They think they’re entitled to doing it, because they’re your [insert relation].

However, you have to look at the situation as if they’re not. You have to distance yourself from that relationship and consider whether you’d accept that behavior from a partner, friend or even a stranger.

Estranging someone or going no-contact is supposed to create distance between you and them. It’s not supposed to feel good for either “side” in the beginning.

However, eventually, each party should learn how to grow and live without the other. One day, the relationship may be repaired, but not all estrangement ends.

If ending the estrangement is all the people you cut from your life are concerned about, then they’re not growing or reflecting. They’re not developing on a personal level. They’re still viewing you as “acting out” or “rebelling”, as someone they need to get back under their control.

And that’s a them problem, not a you problem.

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