I met and spent time with people who…aren’t crappy.

I didn’t realize how much of a burden they conditioned me to feel like until I met people who helped me like that’s something kind humans who have the means to do so DO.

I didn’t realize how much trauma I had in relation to that.

It’s a heavy, uncomfortable feeling to be grateful for kindness, yet ashamed due to my upbringing over something a person needn’t feel shame about.

I keep wanting to apologize and explain everything. I feel as though I took advantage of someone’s kind offer that they didn’t really mean, even though they offered it.

I offered to pay them back when I could, to which they declined.

I feel like I need to apologize for burdening them, which I think is basically a way of apologizing for existing and having needs, courtesy of my crappy family hating that I was a WHOLE, ACTUAL PERSON and not a docile doll for them to accessorize.

Anyone relate?

I daresay the collective emotions/feelings I’m having right now are hella dissociating. My system is legit in awe and disarray, which feels like an oxymoron.