I didn’t realize how crappy my family was until…

I met and spent time with people who…aren’t crappy.

I didn’t realize how much of a burden they conditioned me to feel like until I met people who helped me like that’s something kind humans who have the means to do so DO.

I didn’t realize how much trauma I had in relation to that.

It’s a heavy, uncomfortable feeling to be grateful for kindness, yet ashamed due to my upbringing over something a person needn’t feel shame about.

I keep wanting to apologize and explain everything. I feel as though I took advantage of someone’s kind offer that they didn’t really mean, even though they offered it.

I offered to pay them back when I could, to which they declined.

I feel like I need to apologize for burdening them, which I think is basically a way of apologizing for existing and having needs, courtesy of my crappy family hating that I was a WHOLE, ACTUAL PERSON and not a docile doll for them to accessorize.

Anyone relate?

I daresay the collective emotions/feelings I’m having right now are hella dissociating. My system is legit in awe and disarray, which feels like an oxymoron.

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We know how you feel. We also realized way later how crappy our family is too! We were always confused when we visited friends and their family wasn’t like ours. Like parents didn’t scream at them and stuff. It was so weird. It felt like waking up from a bad dream or something and just be confused when things are normal. It hit us also really hard, realizing that they are crap. And the conflicted emotions are so valid too. It is really hard to deal with that. We can relate a lot! -Evan (host)

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Growing up with abuse as the norm causes healthy relationship dynamics, opportunities, etc. feel strange, uncomfortable and “wrong”. Definitely takes time and requires healing to grow accustomed to 😤

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