94 Aspie-ish Things

This probably makes me sound completely insane or high-functioning, but it’s very much inside my head, and I hope it’s at least somewhat entertaining.

  1. Touching is just plain weird and abnormal.
  2. I don’t always understand sarcasm.
  3. I take things seriously, rarely ever do I truly realize it’s a joke. (Unless, of course, I know you well.)
  4. Only few people make it “in”; most of my family is even considered “out”.
  5. To get “in”, you better be compassionate, patient, kind and understanding; break me or tear me down, and you’re “out”.
  6. You may not be able to ever make it “in” again.
  7. It takes me a while to trust you.
  8. I don’t like change, and new things terrify me.
  9. If I feel safe with you, you should take it as the greatest compliment you’ll ever receive in the world.
  10. Certain textures give me nightmares.
  11. I can’t wear certain clothes on certain days at certain times with certain moods without feeling overly uncomfortable and wishing I were dead instead. (Yes, seriously.)
  12. I require a lot of patience.
  13. I love collecting categories of information in regards to my hobbies. They get stored away inside my brain into their own little file folders.
  14. I need to know all the details of a situation before getting myself into it: What are you wearing? What should I wear? Should I be smiling? Should I be surprised? What will we talk about? When will we go, when will we arrive, and when will we leave? Is there going to be food? Do I have to eat it? If I don’t eat, will I look weird? Where will the restrooms be? Is their soap unscented, or does it smell weird? Oh, God, you’re not gonna surprise me, are you? You know I hate surprises. 🙁
  15. I never know what to say in social situations right away.
  16. I’m not quick to understand jokes/riddles.
  17. I crave acceptance, and am always wondering if I’m fitting in okay.
  18. If I’m your best friend, WHY do you have another best friend?
  19. What the fuck is really a date, and why the HELL do I have to pretend and try to impress someone who should like me for who I am?
  20. I can’t lie without feeling this heavy weight on my bad. I lied to get into a butterfly festival; I said Bri and I were both in college so we’d get in for the student discount. She was in college; I wasn’t. I still feel shitty and anxiety over that.
  21. Actually, that’s incorrect — being around cats when pregnant doesn’t automatically mean the baby is going to be deaf. I researched it and found that cats who are neither vaccinated nor taken to the vet regularly can often go on with illnesses unnoticed, especially one particular disease that can cause deafness in humans and babies if they lick/scratch you and you don’t clean the wound/skin properly.
  22. I know I asked this earlier, but … are you absolutely, positively, 100 percent SURE it’s okay?
  23. Please don’t call me. Talking on the phone is weird. I don’t know WHAT I’m supposed to do with it, how to hold it, what sounds to make, or when to talk.
  24. Small talk feels like I’m dying a slow, painful death.
  25. Yeah, you can bring me to your party, but can I please just sit or stand somewhere where people won’t see or approach me? And can I have a bottle of water or some Pepsi? I’m allergic to alcohol. Wait … is that awkward? Or, that’s probably really unacceptable.
  26. I’m either all-in or all-out. If I’m all-in, I’m going to be somewhat completely-invested, meaning as invested as my awkward Aspie self will allow, and you’ll have a loyal, trustworthy, honest and passionate companion on your side. If I’m all-out, I just … I don’t care. It’s very rarely ever in between. (Or just never in between).
  27. I start many projects all the fucking time and get bored with them later. Only a select few make it past the 2-week mark. This blog is a great example of such.
  28. I’m so passionate about my hobbies that I can build a website in 48 hours with merely 12 hours of sleep. I mean, who really needs sleep when they’ve got their lovely hobby to keep them busy? (I did this with Zest, heh.)
  29. Oh, okay… wait — what does that mean?! Is it literal, or is it hypothetical? And if you can, compare it to a TV show or a movie so I can really understand it better.
  30. Why did you ask me a rhetorical question and expect an actual answer? Obviously, you’re making me feel DUMB for not having the same fucking ‘naturally-known’ common sense crap as all you normal people do, but it really only makes ME push you away, despise you, and think you’re spending too much of your time on the little things that don’t add up to any big picture at all except for a CHARADE.
  31. “Charade” is pretty much just another way of lying, just sayin’.
  33. I’m sorry, but I just had to squeal, you see, because IT’S JUST SO FLUFFY AND CUTE AND I CAN’T. (What do you MEAN you DON’T feel the same?!)
  34. WTF does “relax” mean, and how am I supposed to feel completely fine being still and doing nothing?
  35. (So, really, I just want to talk about my hobbies and how great I am at them and what everything is. Can I just geek out all over the place and talk about coding? Because I know  that stuff. I also know cats. I know a lot of breeds and — did you KNOW IT’S DANGEROUS FOR MANX CATS TO BREED WITH EACH OTHER?)
  36. I don’t feel like being touched.
  37. I don’t like hugs.
  38. Hugs from you are okay.
  39. But I don’t want one RIGHT NOW.
  40. …fine, but just a quickie.
  41. …and maybe a little longer, because you smell nice…
  42. I have no idea where, when or how I got these bruises.
  43. I’m always tripping over flat surfaces and running into things, even walls.
  44. This would be better if you’d just fix this and — oh, my gosh, you also need to fix that, and this doesn’t look right… do you have a recent, legitimate source?
  45. Here, just let me do it.
  46. Can you stop doing that? It’s annoying me. It’s really distracting.
  47. I want to learn everything there is to know about my passion, and I’ll probably know almost all of it within a week. (And I’ll look for more and get upset when I can’t find anything.)
  48. Technical terms aren’t always my friends.
  49. I analyze and over think everything. If you want me to see something in a certain way, tell me what the hell it means and whether it changes anything. If it changes something, tell me.
  50. If we always go out for x, don’t get mad at me for getting upset and frustrated over us going out for y.
  51. I’m pretty great at math; doesn’t mean I love it.
  52. What do you mean I’m not your type? I wasn’t flirting; I was being nice.
  53. …and I don’t think I understand flirting.
  55. Why are you smiling at me, and why the fuck are our EYES meeting?! (Look away, look away, must. look. AWAY.)
  56. If you just tell me the guidelines/socially acceptable rules directly, then I won’t have to spend hours researching, and you and I can just go whenever. Otherwise, I’m gonna spend at least 48 hours getting ready: 46 researching EVERYTHING, 1 hour quizzing myself, 55 minutes getting ready and feeling anxious/nervous, and 5 minutes anxiously waiting for you. Include sleep somewhere in that mix.
  57. There is a difference between “can’t” and “won’t”. I can’t dress up because I feel fucking uncomfortable and like I’m pretending to be something I’m not and failing at it; I won’t dress up because I can’t dress up, but just because I can’t do something doesn’t necessarily mean I won’t. There’s a difference; you should understand. It’s common sense.
  58. …I’m supposed to “eat” the play food? But it’s a TOY. We’re supposed to do realistic things with it, like play store or something. But we need a fake cash register that at least mimics a real one AND some toy money to play with — and we need some labels to go on the items so we can make this REAL fun and not into some dumb oh-hey-I-do-have-the-money-for-it-here-you-go thing, because how do I really know if I have enough money for it if there aren’t any prices?!
  59. I over-share.
  60. When I watch movies and television shows, I analyze everything from the theme to the writing. Sometimes I spend hours wondering how they made a certain special effect possible.
  61. I have a photographic memory.
  62. Betray me once, and you’re OUT.
  63. Expect lots of detail.
  64. What the hell is a generality of a conversation?
  65. All the detail is important. It’s all important. Don’t you see the point?
  66. My mind works like balloons being aired up and tied together.
  67. Everything is a distraction.
  68. I’m extremely sensitive.
  69. I look like I’m emotionless, but my feelings are intense.
  70. I become very passionate about the people I consider “in”.
  71. Things sound better and make more sense in my head.
  72. I have Social Anxiety Disorder. It’s like a handicap for my social life.
  73. I’m probably too trusting.
  74. I also probably forgive too easily.
  75. Subtlety is lost on me. Just be direct.
  76. I remember a lot of things, but my memory also sucks.
  77. I tend to change the subject a lot.
  78. Sometimes, I talk about the same thing over and over again. It’s not on purpose, and I try not to.
  79. Other times, I think and feel like I told you something that I didn’t tell you. Don’t get offended.
  80. I tend to talk too much.
  81. Kissing is fucking weird.
  82. Holding hands is fucking weird. WHAT is in between my fingers?!
  83. Respect my privacy and personal space; don’t take my phone without my permission.
  84. I don’t do well with feelings, nor do I enjoy talking about them, so in the rare moments that I do, don’t ridicule them or silver line them.
  85. I’m all about problem-solving, even when it’s not an appropriate solution.
  86. Don’t spring things on me; I dislike surprises.
  87. I. Always. Have. To. Be. Prepared.
  88. Deadlines, deadlines, deadlines.
  89. If you just assume I apologized, we might get along much better.
  90. However, just because you’re forgiven doesn’t mean I’m sorry; I just don’t hold grudges.
  91. Patience, patience, patience.
  92. I tend to have my worry-wart moments.
  93. I’m really spazzy at times and often freak out.
  94. I’m actually a rather chill person, though.

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