Is estrangement a form of abuse?

In discussions about estrangement, emotions run high. Estrangement is a deeply personal decision that often stems from years of unresolved pain, toxic dynamics and/or unmet needs.

When an adult child chooses to go no-contact with the people who raised them, a question often arises:

“Is estrangement a form of abuse?”

Let’s unpack this.

What is estrangement?

Estrangement is an intentional decision to distance oneself from a relationship by cutting off contact entirely. It’s not a decision people make lightly.

In most cases, estrangement is a last resort attempt of self-preservation when a relationship becomes overwhelmingly harmful to their emotional, mental and/or physical health.

The #1 thing to understand about estrangement is that it’s about setting boundaries. The point of estrangement is not about punishing or hurting the other person, but about protecting oneself from ongoing harm.

Why estrangement is not abuse

Abuse involves a deliberate intent to harm, manipulate or control another person.

By contrast, estrangement is rooted in the need to escape harm — not inflict it.

Here are a few distinctions:

• Intent matters — Abuse seeks to dominate, degrade or punish. Estrangement seeks safety and peace.
• Boundaries are protective — Setting boundaries is a healthy and necessary response to toxic or abusive relationships, even extreme ones like no-contact.
• Emotional pain doesn’t equal abuse — Estrangement can be painful for the estranged party. The pain is a byproduct of the separation, not an act of intentional harm or evidence of abuse.

Why do people choose estrangement?

Reasons for estrangement vary. Common themes include:

• Emotional or physical abuse — Persistent patterns of harm, neglect or control
• Toxic dynamics — Relationships that drain rather than nurture, often involving manipulation, gaslighting or constant conflict (a sign of an abusive relationship).
• Unmet needs — A lack of support, understanding or safety in the relationship.

Estrangement is about boundaries, which are critical for survival. The choice to go no-contact comes from the realization that maintaining a connection to a family member is more damaging than letting it go.

Letting a relationship go isn’t an easy choice to make, but it may preserve someone’s well-being faster and better than attempting to work through a relationship with someone who doesn’t have the self-awareness to acknowledge their role in conflict.

As I wrote in another post, self-reflection and accountability is critical in recovering from estrangement. How you parented your child matters more than how you meant to parent them:

Estrangement is not about a single incident you can pinpoint and work through, but a series of these issues festering over time. Think of estrangement as the breaking point where the adult child feels they must prioritize their own well-being over keeping the peace.

The emotional impact of estrangement

No one decides to cut people they care about out of their lives lightly. Choosing to estrange from people is accompanied by grief, guilt and societal judgment.

Parents or relatives who are estranged may feel confused, hurt or rejected.

Acknowledging that both sides experience pain is important, because estrangement is trauma. However, this pain doesn’t inherently mean estrangement is abusive.

Sometimes, the healthiest choice for one person can deeply hurt another — a complexity we need to recognize.

The very reason estrangement hurts so much in the first place is because the people who are “cut off” from each other often have the same conflict, whoever and wherever they are that can be traced back to a lack of understanding each other.

Communication is so important, yet people seldom want to sit down and truly listen to each other until the worst case scenario is the reality…and even then, one party might not listen to the other.

A relationship cannot be healthy with one person engaging in abusive behaviors, even if it’s manipulation or gaslighting.

Looking back on my own estranged choices, I think it is so devastating how I’ve lost people because of unresolved childhood trauma causing them to perceive situations and my actions in ways they were never meant to be. I grew up feeling so misunderstood, then blamed for it.

Reframing estrangement as boundary-setting

Boundaries are essential in any relationship, and estrangement is one of the most extreme forms of boundary-setting. It’s a way of saying,

“I can’t have you in my life without sacrificing my well-being.”

It’s not always a boundary someone wants to set. Typically, the estranged person has tried other solutions first.

Most people who choose estrangement have spent years attempting to repair the relationship before reaching this point.

When estrangement can become unhealthy

While estrangement is often a healthy decision, it’s worth noting that it can become problematic if it’s used as a tool for manipulation or revenge.

Reflecting on the motivations behind the decision can help ensure it’s coming from a place of self-care rather than anger or spite.

Someone who uses estrangement as a form of punishment is doing so because they couldn’t control you or you didn’t live up to their expectations. They may (un)friend and/or (un)block you when it best suits them. The relationship may also feel extremely conditional.

Real estrangement is indefinite and hard on both people.

Before I decide to estrange myself from someone, I spend a lot of time hoping they’ll change into someone who listens instead of someone who tries to fix me. Then I give up and begin grieving what I’d hoped the relationship could have been.

I start thinking about the relationship more objectively and realizing how much I sacrificed my well-being and how much I put up with. I mourn the loss from my life while also realizing what the relationship actually comprised of: me, them, and my value to them.

I view people as having intrinsic value rather than how they could provide me with value.

Currently, there is no other term to use for the behavior of using estrangement as a form of punishment, so it’s unfortunately still the word in use.

To provide more clarity on this topic, children choosing to cut ties with their parents or childhood caregivers are not doing so because they wanted to. This is perhaps the hardest decision they’ve ever made in their life — and they’re doing it so they, and any offspring they have, may have a life moving forward.

If your child comes in and out of your life throughout the estrangement — and during the times they’re in your life, everything seems good/fine/jolly — AND that estrangement entails a lot of blocking/unblocking behavior, that is most likely a case of punishment, not true estrangement.

True estrangement/no-contact behavior is more clear. It’s not hearing from them. I’ve spoken to my biological mother maybe 5 times since 2011 — and most of those times were run-ins, not me reaching out because I wanted to.

In the beginning, she and my other relatives did believe I was punishing them. I think most people in estrangement feel this way; it’s too easy not to. The pain felt feels like abuse because, for what may be the first time in their life, they are having to feel and exist alongside extremely uncomfortable feelings they may have learned to ignore.

However, not all pain is the result of abuse.

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What are your thoughts on this topic? I’d love to hear your perspective in the comments below. Let’s keep the conversation respectful and empathetic as we navigate this complex subject together.