When adult children choose to go no-contact with their parents, it’s met with
- disbelief
- confusion
- denial
Many parents dismiss this decision as a temporary rebellion, labeling it as “just a phase”. This perspective minimizes the depth and gravity of the issues that lead to estrangement, though.
The dismissiveness and invalidation also somewhat solidifies that going no-contact was a good idea in the first place.
Understanding why adult children decide to cut off their parents means delving into the complexities of estrangement. Stop making assumptions and start reflecting on your behavior.
Estrangement is a last resort
No one wakes up and decides to go no-contact. Estrangement is not an impulsive or whimsical decision.
Most adults who decide to estrange their parents are doing so after years — sometimes decades — of unresolved conflict, emotional harm and/or unmet needs.
Repeated attempts to communicate their feelings, set boundaries and/or repair the relationship were likely met with resistance, invalidation or other types of additional harm.
Deciding to go no-contact comes after numerous failed attempts to create a healthier dynamic.
Going no-contact isn’t about “winning” or “punishing” our parents. It’s about survival — prioritizing our emotional, mental and physical well-being. If anything, we — adult children — punish ourselves when we stop continuing relationships with our parents.
Nobody chooses to have no parents. Life is hard enough, but it’s harder without parents…even when those parents are abusive. Parents whose adult kids cut them off fail to comprehend that
- Literally no one CHOOSES this path
- No one WANTS to take this path
- This is the harder path
Staying in unhealthy (abusive) relationships, even when those relationships are with your parents, is easier than trying to convert those relationships to healthy dynamics.
When a relationship constantly undermines your emotional, mental and/or physical well-being — which, stress totally affects physical health regardless of the presence of physical abuse — estrangement becomes a necessary act of self-preservation.
The alternative to estranging from your parents as an adult often means choosing to remain in a state of perpetual distress, which has long-term consequences for your health and quality of life.
Historically, families stuck together by gaslighting those who couldn’t stand perpetuating trauma.
The myth of “it’s just a phase”
Dismissing estrangement as a phase blames the adult child for being “immature” or “overly sensitive”. Blame-shifting avoids accountability and prevents parents from understanding their child’s decision. It also iterates the dynamics that led to the estrangement in the first place.
Viewing estrangement as a phase invalidates the adult child’s autonomy and agency. It implies our choices aren’t worthy of respect or serious consideration because you’re our parents.
Believing this implication is true because you’re a parent is a sign of a superiority complex or parental entitlement.
Estrangement isn’t a fleeting whim; it’s a decision borne out of necessity and pain after trying other options.
Understanding the reasons for estrangement
Estrangement most often stems from patterns of behavior that have caused significant harm over time. Parents may not always immediately recognize these behaviors, but they have a lasting impact on their kids.
Parents are more likely to forget the things they did that had a negative impact on their children. What a parent does to their child, even on repeat, are small moments in their life. To the child, however, that’s their whole life — not small moments.
The most common reasons adults go no-contact with their parents in adulthood:
- Abuse
- Boundary violations
- Neglect
- Toxic dynamics
- Unresolved trauma
Abuse
Abuse is abuse — whether emotional, physical, sexual or verbal. It leaves scars that makes reconciliation impossible without genuine accountability and change — and even that might not be enough.
Many adult children feel they cannot heal while maintaining contact with an abusive parent.
I personally found it hard to keep in touch with my abusers while recovering from the trauma of abuse and learning how to develop healthier relationships. Once a person realizes they deserve more — and believes it — they can’t settle for less.
Emotional regression is a psychological phenomenon that happens when a person is around people who knew them before they changed into their present self. They start acting the way they did before that time away.
This makes standing your ground hard. For a person who has developed boundaries and formed healthy relationships, they might slip and fall back into old patterns.
Healthy relationships cannot exist one-sidedly.
Abusive parents don’t want to be abusive, so they rarely admit to abusing their kids even when confronted by their grown-up kids.
Abusive parents also blame other people for their abusive behavior, making them a pro at avoiding accountability.
Boundary violations
Ignoring or dismissing an adult child’s signals a lack of respect for their individuality and autonomy.
Loved ones often claim they were never told about a boundary. “No” is a complete sentence and the easiest boundary.
The problem with “no” is that many parents don’t accept it and push beyond the no. There’s this idea that kids shouldn’t ever tell their parents — or authority figures — “no”.
However, this is another sign of entitlement.
Repeated boundary violations trigger feelings of powerlessness and anxiety — and even psychosomatic symptoms, like physical illness. This is how the body communicates discomfort — that something’s not okay.
Neglect
Failing to meet a child’s emotional or physical needs creates deep-seated feelings of abandonment and resentment. It nurtures insecure parent-child attachments, too.
The attachment a child developers with their early childhood caregivers also affects their ability to form relationships.
Some estranged parents claim their child “always needed/wanted more” than they could give them. Some parents even tell on themselves by saying they never knew how to soothe their child.
That’s quite telling of their attitude(s) towards their children and child-rearing in general.
Emotional neglected specifically leaves children feeling unseen and unvalued.
Toxic dynamics
Persistent patterns of manipulation, gaslighting, favoritism or other emotionally abusive behaviors erode trust and connection.
These dynamics leave people feeling trapped in an unhealthy cycle with no way out.
As a child, there’s not much you can do about toxic relationships. I reached out for help from relatives multiple times, but these dynamics typically run in the family collective — not single family units.
Unresolved trauma
Trauma starts in the womb. Unresolved trauma festers.
Unresolved trauma is more or less the underlying cause of most unhealthy relationships. Unpacking trauma means looking at your entire family tree — not only you or your child — as well as your culture’s impact on your behavior.
My mom’s side of the family stays together, because that’s what family does. Blood doesn’t matter, because my mom’s siblings are all adopted. They stay because they were “chosen” through adoption, therefore they choose to stay together…even though they despise each other.
Every woman in the family is encouraged to get on psychiatry medications as soon as they begin showing signs of obvious distress from emotional abuse. I was encouraged, but I didn’t.
Apparently, psychiatrists recognize and respect when someone recognizes they behave a certain way because of abuse…however, I’m still perceived as a “problem”.
This funny thing happens the more time I spend away from them, though: I don’t have any of the issues they claim I have.
- I’m not depressed or anxious.
- I’m not constantly questioning my self-worth.
- I don’t fear the entire world.
- I don’t need approval from my family to embrace who I am.
Historically, society gaslit women into believing something was inherently wrong with them that they couldn’t accept their place. The patriarchy turned women against each other, encouraging a special cycle of abuse that passes on from mother to child to grandchild until someone can’t take it anymore.
Did you know that people assigned female at birth are born with all the eggs they’ll ever have?
This means trauma my biological grandparents experienced passed on to my respective biological parents. My dad passed his trauma on to me epigenetically.
Trauma my biological mother experienced while pregnant with me passed on to me, too.
Estrangement is not about a single incident you can pinpoint and work through, but a series of these issues festering over time. Think of estrangement as the breaking point where the adult child feels they must prioritize their own well-being over keeping the peace.
What parents can do
If you’re a parent facing estrangement, feeling hurt is natural. You’re human; obviously, you’re going to feel feelings about this.
However, the path to understanding why estrangement is happening starts with self-reflection and accountability. Rebuilding the relationship requires patience, effort and an open heart.
Steps to consider:
- Listen without defensiveness
- Educate yourself about trauma
- Seek professional help
- Respect your child’s boundaries
- Commit to self-development
1. Listen without defensiveness
If your child has shared their reasons for estrangement, listen with an open mind and heart. Stifle the urge to argue, justify or minimize their feelings.
Recognize their perspective is valid, even if it’s difficult to hear or you disagree.
Your child has most likely already communicated to you why they’re going no-contact. Asking why will likely be met with frustration on their part, because it will feel like rehashing everything.
If you have a history of invalidating or dismissing them, they may not feel safe to share the reason with you again. If this is the case, move on to the next step.
2. Educate yourself about trauma
Learn the dynamics of estrangement and the effects of trauma.
Reading articles or books, or attending workshops on these topics can provide valuable context for your child’s perspective and help you gain insight into your own behavior.
Learn about child development and reflect on how you parented your child.
The most unhelpful resource to utilize is estranged parents’ forums. These forums are filled with entitled parents who think abusing, harassing and stalking their estranged children is their rights as parents.
Estranged parent forum members enable each other. They are not a resource to utilize if you truly want to understand, reconnect, heal and grow from this trauma.
3. Seek professional help
Working with a therapist may help you process your emotions and gain perspective of the role you played in the estrangement.
In all interpersonal conflict, both parties play some kind of part.
A therapist can also guide you in developing healthier communication and relationship skills, which will help other areas of your life as well.
4. Respect your child’s boundaries
If your child asks for space, honor their request.
Continuing to push for contact against their wishes only reinforces the need for distance.
Respecting their boundaries shows that you value their autonomy and are willing to change.
5. Commit to self-development
Estrangement doesn’t always have to be permanent, but reconciliation requires genuine effort and change.
Reflect on the behaviors or patterns that may have contributed to the estrangement and address them.
Show your child through actions — not words — that you’re doing the work.
Moving forward
Estrangement is a deeply personal and complex decision. It’s not a phase, whim or act of spite.
For many adults, going no-contact with the parents is a critical step toward healing and reclaiming their sense of self. Parents who truly wish to repair the relationship must approach the situation with humility, empathy and a willingness to change.
By recognizing the deeper issues at play and respecting the autonomy of your grown kids, parents can start to understand estrangement isn’t about rejection, but a form of self-care.
Healing, if it is to happen, requires time and introspection. Ending estrangement is a mutual effort.
While estrangement is often seen as an ending, it can also serve as a catalyst for growth and transformation — both for parents and children alike.
Other posts I wrote about estrangement:
- Parental behaviors that lead to estrangement
- Tips for reconciling with your estranged daughter
- What I stopped doing before going no-contact
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