How to set boundaries with family

"Tips to set boundaries with your family" in white and orange; woman holding a baby while man looks angry

Setting boundaries with family where none previously existed is challenging, yet necessary for maintaining healthy relationships and protecting your mental well-being.

Family ties are often steeped in tradition and expectations, so clear communication helps you navigate these dynamics with respect and confidence.

This guide will explore why boundaries with family matter, offer boundary-setting phrases specifically for family relations and include tips to help you maintain them.

Why boundaries with your family matter

One of my relatives constantly offered unsolicited advice about my life. At first, I let it slide, thinking they meant well. Over time, though, it became so intrusive that it overwhelmed and stifled me.

When I finally communicated my boundaries, and stood firm in them, they stopped. I could breathe again.

Boundaries with family are crucial because they

  • Nurture respect by setting the tone for how you want to be treated (and vice versa with the other person’s boundaries).
  • Prevent resentment by clearly communicating how you want to be treated and how you’ll engage when you’re mistreated.
  • Protect your mental health by reducing stress and creating room for emotional clarity.

Common scenarios wherein boundaries with family are tested include

  • Emotional or financial demands — Pressure to provide emotional labor or financial support beyond your capacity
  • Invading your privacy — Relatives expecting access to your personal life or space
  • Unsolicited advice — Family members offering opinions on your life choices with being asked, e.g. telling you what you “should” do

When you set boundaries, you create healthier interactions while honoring your personal needs.

Key phrases for setting boundaries with relatives

These phrases are easy to adapt to your own situation.

One thing that sets my boundary phrases apart, however, is the lack of a “but”.

This is because the word “but” negates everything that comes before it in almost every single instance.

It sounds like a good-to-have word in boundary phrases, but it can lead to nasty ish like

  • backhanded/underhanded compliments
  • faux kindness
  • ingenuine statements
  • sarcasm

Addressing unsolicited advice

  • “I’ve got this handled.”
  • “I’m comfortable making my own decisions.”
  • “I didn’t ask for advice on this.”

Protecting your privacy

  • “I’m not ready to share details about that right now.”
  • “That’s a personal matter, and I’d prefer to keep it private.”
  • “I’d like to keep this between me and [specific person].”

In the past, several relatives have pressed me for details about private matters.

After I learned about boundaries, though, I felt okay saying, “That’s a personal matter, so I’m not going to discuss it with you.”

Or even, “I’m not interested in discussing [topic] with you.”

It helped me maintain my boundaries without escalating the situation. It also helps prevent myself from becoming entangled or enmeshed.

This didn’t stop my relatives from continuing to press me, but it still protected my peace because I didn’t give in.

Managing time and availability

  • “I’m not available for a visit this weekend. Let’s plan for another time.”
  • “I need some time to myself. I’ll call/message you back when I’m free.”
  • “I can’t commit to that right now. I’ll let you know if that changes.”

At the end of the year, I feel overwhelmed and overloaded to the point of wanting to hibernate. Last year, I practiced new boundaries by saying, “I’m taking time to myself due to overwhelm. I’ll reach back out when I’m more regulated.”

I lost someone close to me because they didn’t like my boundary, but I protected my emotional well-being — which means I also protected my physical well-being.

Responding to emotional or financial demands

  • “I’m not in a position to help with that right now.”
  • “I care about you, and I can’t provide the support you’re asking for.”
  • “That doesn’t work for me. I hope you can find a solution.”

One of my friends does this thing that I didn’t even know people could do: She’ll message me to say,

“I’m dealing with a lot of things right now. I can’t be emotionally present for you. I’ll message you when I can.”

Sometimes, that’s a few days…sometimes, it’s a few weeks or even a whole month!

The communication is amazing, and she does come back.

I’ve had to learn how to work through my own abandonment issues from unresolved childhood trauma with this…but it’s a pretty amazing boundary that I think could work with family.

Tips for maintaining boundaries with family

Tips to ensure your boundaries are respected:

  • Stick to your boundaries even if they’re tested. Consistency reinforces their importance.
  • Deliver your messages with confidence and without guilt.
  • Be prepared for resistance, especially if boundaries are new in your family dynamic.
  • If necessary, confide in a trusted friend or therapist to reinforce your confidence.
  • Focus on your feelings and needs rather than placing blame. Use “I” statements instead of “you” ones.

When I first started setting boundaries, I noticed some relatives would test them by pushing for exceptions.

By staying consistent and calmly repeating my limits, they eventually either

  1. respected my wishes or
  2. stopped talking to me.

I think the most helpful and important piece of advice I can give you about this topic is that a relationship takes two people (minimum). This means that if even ONE person in a relationship engages in unhealthy or toxic relationship behaviors, the relationship is unhealthy.

Also, unhealthy/toxic relationship behaviors are so toxic because they’re contagious. This is why, when in unhealthy relationships, it’s not uncommon for one or both people to feel like they’re behaving uncharacteristically.

If you struggle to maintain your boundaries and/or family relationships while you heal from trauma and move towards healthier relationship dynamics, perhaps no-contact is the answer.

Going no-contact is the last-resort option no one wants to do, but sometimes it’s the only “right now” answer that works.

P.S. Here’s how to set boundaries at work →

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