Decoding comments estranged parents left me

I’ve been estranged from my egg donor since 2011.

With that comes comments — mostly complaints — from clueless estranged parents who want to be comforted at the expense of my time, energy and emotional labor.

But I’m not their therapist.

Period. End of story.

Yet, the entitlement persists, and I keep asking myself, “Why are estranged parents so clueless?”

So I began analyzing their comments and realized how their toxic, entitled behavior manifests.

The issue, as I see it, is their refusal to confront their discomfort and reflect. Instead of seeking therapy — which their children had to do to heal from trauma caused by them — they project their discomfort onto people like me, because I’m available and their kids are not.

If they could reflect on their behavior, they’d see they are the source of fear for their child. They’d recognize how denying, attacking and flipping the victim-offender dynamic to paint their adult child as the abuser is toxic and abusive.

One

David commented on my post about reconciling with an estranged daughter.

His was a huge blob wall of text, but I managed to get through it.

“Help me understand the estrangement epidemic in the younger generation and recent therapy trend.”

Right off the bat, this question — or demand, rather — frames estrangement as an “epidemic” in the “younger generation,” exuding his dismissive and judgmental stance on the entire topic.

Like he’s trying to discredit the reasons young people might choose estrangement before trying to understand their perspective.

It also assumes I am a member of the younger generation. Young adults right now are members of Generation Z, even when they act like Boomers somewhat (hence “Zoomer”).

🙄 I’m a Millennial. At least get that right??

“Your article has an obvious bias.”

🤣 Of course it does — this is my lived experience and perspective we’re talking about, not an objective research paper.

Everyone has a bias and bias blind spots, and I’m not pretending to be neutral. This is about my reality. If my experience and perspective of estrangement offends or challenges someone else’s worldview, that’s not my problem.

The tone-policing is not missed, either: It’s a subtle attempt to delegitimize my lived experience and message because it doesn’t feel comfortable or neutral to them.

“It would be fair to acknowledge the nuances in the estrangement movement.”

This is a polite, passive-aggressive way of saying, “You’re oversimplifying things,” while missing the point of the post: tips from an estranged daughter for estranged parents on how to reconcile with their estranged daughter. It’s in the title.

Obviously, there are nuances. The real issue is that people fail to consider the deep pain and years of trauma that lead someone to cut off their unaccountable parents/childhood caregivers.

This is not a matter of a simple “lack of nuance”; it’s about years of unchecked abuse.

“Offenses are a part of life and I’m not discounting the extreme circumstances that justify estrangement.”

This sentence tries to downplay the significance of estrangement, implying “offenses” are a normal part of life that should be accepted.

It completely ignores how, for some people, those “offenses” are severe and ongoing — leaving no-contact as the only way to protect themselves from further harm.

This sentence directly contradicts the previous sentence right before because it does discount my experience and reasons for estrangement.

“But to many parents, even divorced ones, estrangement feels like control.”

This right here is where I see the typical mindset of estranged parents: They perceive estrangement as a power play, rather than recognizing it for what it truly is — a boundary.

The assumption that estrangement is about control instead of self-preservation is a gross oversimplification of a complex, painful decision.

Paired with the previous sentence, it is the false equivalence fallacy. These sentences are meant to minimize harm by lumping all offenses together and shift focus to how the parents feel about boundaries rather than what caused those boundaries to be necessary.

“Boundaries are used as barricades and silence used as stonewalling.”

No, boundaries are a form of self-care, not a weapon.

This is another attempt to invalidate reasons for estrangement, calling it “stonewalling”. Setting boundaries is about protecting yourself from further emotional harm — not trying to manipulate or control anyone.

Estrangement is not a battle for power; it’s not war.

This sentence shows a fundamental misunderstanding of what boundaries are, believing boundaries must always accommodate the other party. It’s a key tactic in boundary violations.

“It is conditional love with manipulation.”

This emotionally-loaded accusation attempts to turn the narrative around to boundary-setting happening out of selfish or control.

Estrangement is about protecting your emotional well-being after continued harm — not about manipulating people.

“Most of the so called experts say to bear it and let them set the rules of estrangement.”

Dissing experts as “so-called” is quite telling of how someone feels about professional advice they don’t agree with. It’s also an ignorant generalization:

1. Who is in the “most”?
2. Are they actually calling it “rules” of estrangement?

Because that’s wrong, no?

For all we know, this dude is dealing with the frequency illusion — or he saw/heard one person say something and framed it as an “all”.

I don’t know. I’m not in his head. What I do know is that people — usually parents — who don’t understand estrangement think of their kid’s boundaries as rules.

But “boundaries” and “rules” are two completely different things.

“Are we really helping a generation that is more brittle than the previous ones to communicate and work through relational and emotional adversity?”

Um…okay, pause. Everything up to this point has been about control because of discomfort with my post (clearly).

And now…the younger generation is more brittle? Really? And lacks emotional adversity? Really?!

If any generation is emotionally brittle, I think it’s the generations before Millennials whose relationships hinged on power struggles rather than equality — especially when it came to sitting with discomfort instead of projecting it onto others…including strangers online.

“Your article is very subjective and has an evident energy that there are still wounds and misunderstandings in your own situation.”

Dismissal of my experience — again — by framing my perspective as “too emotional” or “unreliable”.

Hello? My blog. I can be passionate about my experience without being biased; I write neutral product reviews to help people make informed purchases — not buy things I brainwashed them to think they need.

Discrediting someone’s pain like this is incredibly dismissive, which is gaslighting — which is a reason adults may estrange their parents. It’s called emotional abuse.

(Estrangement is not emotional abuse.)

“Like I said, everyone has a bias.”

Mm, but this person is forgetting how their bias is as strong as mine. They’re projecting their bias onto me while ignoring their own personal experiences.

This comment is in itself a power struggle. David came to my blog, commented on my post, projecting his discomfort onto me because he feels powerless in what I presume to be his own estrangement from his adult child…gee, I wonder why.

“Relationships are about shared power.”

Nope. They’re absolutely not! Relationships are about trust, equality and teamwork — not power.

Abuse is about power, though. Abusers perceive relationships as being about power, even if it’s “shared”. They are obsessed with power.

What unhealed trauma triggers them to need to control other people or their relationships?

“Estrangement is about extreme power to one side or the other.”

Again: Nope. Estrangement is more complicated than that; it’s not about power at all. My blog focuses on genuine estrangement — not abusive, weaponized estrangement that is actually stonewalling. Healthy estrangement is not abuse.

“Where’s the acknowledgement of nuance?”

Literally, start your own damn blog.

There is nuance in my posts…I trust my audience to bring that to the comments, but I really misjudged the potential for angry estranged parents coming to my blog to prove every single point I make about entitled estranged parents.

Two

Diane commented on my post about reconciling with one’s estranged daughter, told from my perspective and experience (this is my blog, after all).

Dissecting and analyzing her comment:

“I read your blog.”

Okay? I mean, obviously? So had at least 4000 other people this year when she commented.

“I am very sad for your mother and father.”

This line exhibits victimization (internalizing the pain she assumes my parents have as her own) and/or empathy misdirection by immediately shifting the focus onto my parents’ emotions — while completely ignoring my own pain and reasons behind MY estrangement.

The implication of this line is that my feelings and experience doesn’t matter. It’s dismissive and invalidating, and redirects the emotional focus away from me, which suggests my parents’ feelings should be prioritized instead of my own.

“My daughter has cut me out of her life also.”

Ah. This is an attempt to make my estrangement experience about her personal emotional hurt, under the guise of connecting with me with “also”.

It simplifies estrangement to a one-sided “my child is also the problem” narrative, implying a lack of understanding of the underlying dynamics of estrangement.

“Your mother is heart broken.”

This line continues the victimization narrative, prioritizing my mother’s feelings and not taking into account why I may have chosen estrangement or how my mother’s actions contributed to the situation.

It’s a self-centered approach, focusing on the emotional impact on the parents without considering the validity of my boundaries or the pain caused by the family dynamic that led to the estrangement.

“Mothers do the best they can with what we have.”

This line is an attempt to justify the parent’s behavior, suggesting any flaws or mistakes are excusable because they did the best they could. It’s a common defense mechanism by those who deflect blame and avoid responsibility for harmful behaviors.

It’s also a way to minimize or invalidate my experience by implying the parents’ actions — no matter how harmful — were out of their control, rather than recognizing any intentional harm or neglect.

I’ve written about parents doing the best they can multiple times in association with forgiving oneself for their behavior while also taking accountability for the outcomes of their behavior.

Parents do do the best they can with the resources they have at the time. Back then, society was not as aware of emotional intelligence as we are now. Resources are available.

Estranged parents cling to past behaviors, even if they didn’t realize their actions were abusive, and dismiss their children’s pain with, “I had to deal with it, so get over it.”

That’s not a flex — that’s not a valid “I turned out fine” sentiment.

“We’re only human.”

Excusing abusive behavior by invoking “everyone makes mistakes” is a way to avoid responsibility, focusing on parental imperfection instead of the harm their actions caused.

It’s another attempt to avoid responsibility by focusing on the imperfection of parents, instead of considering how their actions affected me.

“You are breaking your mother’s heart.”

This line manipulates guilt and shame, framing my estrangement as my fault, while projecting her motherly hurt onto me because I shared my story online.

“Please reconsider your attitude towards your mother.”

Another attempt to impose shame or guilt on me, suggesting I’m at fault for my attitude towards my mother and the solution to our problems lies in me changing my attitude. It simplifies the complexity of estrangement by condensing it down to one person being the issue.

I replied to her comment reiterating my perspective and feelings about the estrangement, to which she responded by doubling down on emotional manipulation and DARVO:

“Jane, I apologize to you if you thought I was trying to ‘shame you.’ That was not my intent.”

First, the apology isn’t really an apology. It’s a conditional one, essentially saying, “I’m sorry if you misunderstood my behavior.”

It’s a deflection, not taking responsibility for the impact her words had, focusing on how I might have interpreted them. Classic emotional manipulation — “I didn’t mean it that way, so you shouldn’t be upset.”

“I know how much it hurts my heart that my daughter has cut me out of her life.”

Ah, the heartfelt victim stance. She’s turning the conversation back to her pain, implying the hurt she feels is more important than the reason why I made my choice.

She’s not truly acknowledging my pain or the reason I had to go no-contact. She’s shifting the focus back to her and how her feelings are the priority…on my post.

“I do question the blanket statement of thinking that mothers are the only one who uses ‘control and manipulation.'”

Here, we see blame-shifting.

Instead of reflecting on the control and manipulation in her own behavior, she’s questioning the validity of my experience.

Like she’s trying to argue both sides are equally at fault, diminishing the fact that control and manipulation are specifically harmful behaviors she’s likely engaged in.

By calling it a “blanket statement”, she tries to undermine the truth of what I’ve said, presenting my point as an oversimplification instead of addressing the real issue.

“1. Do you realize how much you are hurting your mother’s heart?”

This is an immediate attempt to manipulate, redirecting the conversation back to her pain. It’s a guilt-trip tactic — trying to manipulate me into feeling responsible for her emotional state rather than addressing the reasons I had to go no-contact in the first place.

It also ignores the fact that her hurt is a consequence of her own actions, not my decision to protect myself.

But what really gets me here is that this is a random person on the internet who has never met me and — to my knowledge — has never even met my mother, putting themselves into my mother’s shoes as if they know what she’s like.

It’s sickening. This person is acting like they have some kind of deep insight into my family dynamics when they don’t even have the context to make that kind of judgment.

“2. Do you care?”

This is another emotional manipulation question designed to provoke guilt and shame.

The underlying message is, “If you really cared, you wouldn’t have cut your mother out.”

The reality is, caring about someone doesn’t mean tolerating harmful behavior. This question disregards the fact that caring about someone else involves setting boundaries to protect yourself from harm.

“3. How often should I reach out to my daughter?”

Now, she’s trying to put the ball back into my court, as if I should be the one to give her permission or guidance on how to communicate with someone who has set a boundary.

It’s a deflection, avoiding the real issue: the responsibility that lies with her to respect her daughter’s boundaries and reflect on why they were set in the first place.

This question reiterates the purpose of her comments: She’s seeking comfort, permission and validation that she’s in the right to break her daughter’s boundary because she feels entitled to it.

Why else would she ask me to therapize her after reading my blog post?

“4. Should I reach out?”

Again, the focus shifts to her feelings and decisions instead of respecting her daughter’s choice to go no-contact.

It’s another round of questioning the validity of boundaries and asking me to be the one to ease her emotional discomfort.

Her comments aren’t about her respecting boundaries or understanding, but about her need for validation.

“5. Do you realize you are teaching your children how to treat you when they are adults?”

This question is loaded with judgment, as if my choice to go co-contact is somehow setting a bad example for children I don’t even have.

It implies I’m wrong for setting boundaries and suggests that setting them means I’m teaching others to disregard or abandon relationships.

It ignores the fact that teaching people to maintain healthy boundaries is a lesson in self-respect, not abandonment.

“I understand if you do not want to respond as this is a very painful emotional subject.”

This is a passive-aggressive way to trigger my guilt for not wanting to engage with her manipulation.

It presents the idea that I’m avoiding the conversation because it’s too painful for me, rather than acknowledging that I may choose to disengage on account of my own boundaries.

“When persons who knew my daughter growing up ask me how “my daughter is doing” I reply ‘she is doing well’, as it hurts my heart to tell them she has cut me out of her life and taken my grand children with her.”

This is a thinly veiled attempt to gain sympathy.

It shifts the narrative once again to her pain — how much she suffers in public perception because of her daughter’s decision.

She’s not addressing the reasons for the estrangement, but instead framing it as a personal loss of image or validation.

It’s also a bit manipulative to mention her grandchildren here, as it subtly tugs at the idea that her daughter has wronged her by cutting contact, specifically with grandchildren involved.

“I have never my public comments before. [sic] I will stop questioning you as I do not want to offend and make you defend your behavior.”

Here, she is framing herself as someone who is trying to be respectful while simultaneously making it seem like I am the one on the defensive.

It’s a small “look at how gracious I’m being” after putting me in a position where she expected me to defend my choices (i.e. the questions).

It’s a manipulative ploy to influence me to feel responsible for the discomfort she created.

“Wishing you peace in your heart as you travel thru life.”

Ah, this is a final attempt at passive-aggressive manipulation, wrapping up with a veneer of kindness — but it feels hollow given the rest of the message.

She’s not truly wishing me peace, but suggesting I need peace because I’ve made a “bad” decision causing her oodles of emotional turmoil.

She wrapped her comment up with the hope I’d feel like I need correction, rather than genuine hope for my well-being.

And I returned everything she imposed on me to her, because her discomfort was not mine to take.

Why are estranged parents so self-absorbed?

It seems estranged parents are too caught up in how they feel about the estrangement and lack of control that they leave no space for how their child(ren) feel.

Will clueless estranged parents ever stop being so clueless? I don’t know.

I’ve come across a small few who have stopped being clueless and delusional.