What autistic kids wish their parents knew

I’m an autistic adult. This means I used to be an autistic kid.

Believe me when I say the most wonderful thing you can do as a parent of an autistic kid is to understand how their brain works. You can do this by

  • Learning how autistic people think
  • Listening to autistic people share about their experiences
three children sitting on grass
Photo by Charlein Gracia on Unsplash

You’re not trying to solve the puzzle that is autism. There’s no specific puzzle to represent humans.

If you must think of puzzles, think more along the lines of, “I have a tree puzzle, and my child has a cat puzzle.” A life puzzle, and your pieces are different from your autistic child’s. This doesn’t make it an autism puzzle specifically, but your child’s puzzle.

1. Language matters

The words you use to communicate matter. Autistic people usually think literally instead of figuratively.

Words that are used interchangeably in passing cannot be used the same way around autistic people, because they don’t mean the same thing.

Some examples:

  • Boundaries, guidelines and rules
    • Boundaries are personal limits
    • Guidelines are recommended rules; they’re encouraged, but not enforced
    • Rules are regulations that are enforced
  • Punishment and discipline
    • Discipline aims to teach someone how to make better choices. It requires a team effort between the parent and child.
    • Punishment is about humiliation, guilt and shame. The purpose is to make someone suffer for their mistakes.

“We” are like your child.

Autistic adults are your child.

When non-autistic people say “we”, they’re implying familiarity.

When autistic people say “we”, we’re often referring to specific groups that we’re part of collectively.

For this reason, non-autistic parents of autistic kids often feel offended and upset because a random autistic adult on the internet is saying “we”.

Autistic people aren’t claiming to speak for ALL autistic people; we are using “we” collectively.

Non-autistic people typically ARE implying to speak for all involved in their generalization. They may use “common sense” or common social behaviors to back themselves up — things the generalized population DO do.

Comprehending this nuance takes  a lot of time and patience for both autistic and non-autistic people.

Another reason non-autistics, also known as “allistics”, take offense to “we are like your child” is because they perceive autistic adults like me sharing their experiences online and assume they know what our childhood was like.

Allistic parents of autistic children are comparing autistic adults to their autistic children.

Kids will never outgrow autism. Autism may get “better” or “worse” with age. There is a lot you don’t and will never see of autistic adults unless you are standing offstage with us. This is because of masking.

2. Break up with the need to punish

Punishment is trauma. Oftentimes, parents are punishing their kids for trauma responses and coping methods instead of teaching them how to work through their trauma.

Kids develop trauma in the first place because of their life experiences up to that point — not to mention all the trauma they inherited epigenetically. Punishing kids for these behaviors reinforces the trauma so it festers.

They’ll grow up paying for that trauma their whole lives.

The average autistic person’s life experience is trauma. It’s all trauma. Imagine seeing the world through a green lens and thinking white things are green. Adults around you insist the white things are white and tell you to stop lying, being dramatic, being a smart aleck…they don’t understand.

This is what being an autistic kid surrounded by non-autistic people feels like.

Ditch physical punishment

Physical punishment harms all kids. However, I’m focusing on autistic kids specifically here and how our brains may process spanking.

I remember all the times my stepfather hit me, but I don’t remember the reasons. I only remember that he was mad and needed to hit me to feel better. I think he liked it. It was like he wanted to.

Kids are the only living beings adults can hit without facing much stigma. Kids are discouraged from hitting each other, though.

All children learn by watching people around them, but autistic people may unconsciously mirror the behaviors of people around them. Autistics don’t automatically understand what behavior is good or bad.

We don’t automatically understand WHY we “need” to do something or engage in a common social behavior.

Autistic kids do not have the brainpower required to be aware of why they did something. “I don’t know” will be the response if you ask, but the real answer’s more direct: They saw someone around them do it.

“Spanking” is hitting. Slapping a kid’s hand is hitting. It’s all hitting. Giving it a different name doesn’t change the action.

If you “spank” a cat or dog, you could be charged with animal cruelty because it’s considered hitting — which is abuse.

Punishing an autistic kid isn’t going to get your point across. You’re not going to teach them anything.

Instead, you’ll negatively affect them on an emotional and sensory level — and drive a wedge between the two of you.

3. Avoid mirroring behavior to teach lessons

Don’t mirror your autistic child’s behavior in hopes it’ll teach them a lesson. Instead, it will traumatize them because they won’t realize or understand why you’re mad.

When a non-autistic person uses an autistic person’s behavior with malicious intent, it’s not the same as two autistic people interacting. That behavior coming from a non-autistic person has a completely different vibe.

Autistic people may recognize or pick up on nuances in non-autistic people’s behavior, but we don’t always know how to process that information or what to do with it once we do process it.

Using our own seemingly nonchalant or oblivious behavior against us in hopes we finally understand how it feels to you is petty and vindictive. It’s not parenting — it’s passive-aggressive behavior.

We don’t understand why you’re upset, so you behaving like we do when you typically don’t will be confusing and frightening. Autistics are more likely to internalize anxiety and depression.

4. Believe that we can

Believe your autistic child CAN do things, not that they never will. I really love this ad for World Down Syndrome Day:

You wanna know how I became a writer? I started writing to communicate without speaking. I had a lot of stories in my head. I wanted to write stories — not only read them

I struggled to make friends because I was bullied and abused for being different. Dictionaries became my friends. I’d copy words into notebooks until my hand cramped. This is how I became “articulate”.

Also, I took AP English in ninth grade with a teacher who spent an entire six weeks teaching us how to diagram sentences.

You might see my blog and go, “This autistic adult has never struggled with periods at all. She’s never walked through school halls with menstrual blood on the back of her skirt or dripping down her legs.”

I have, and it was so embarrassing that a Seventeen editor emailed me back about my submission to say that making up stories isn’t cool.

Or you might think I stopped wearing Pull-Ups at the non-autistic age. I didn’t. I still wet the bed sometimes, too.

A lot goes on behind the scenes that you will never see. Despite the messy, vulnerable things I share here on my blog, there are even messier things I’ve experienced that I will never share.

I used to drool on purpose because I liked how it felt against my lip and chin, then slurp it back up. I don’t do that anymore, of course. I’m saying it, though, because I know allistic people perceive me as more polished than I actually am.

So much of what autistic kids do that embarrasses their parents are things I have done, too.

My caregivers and family constantly told me I’d never be able to do things. They never taught me how to do anything. I grew up feeling incapable of doing so many things I’ve only recently — at 33 years old — started feeling is possible for me.

Assume that we can, so maybe we will.

Stop mourning autism and your autistic child. Stop with the ableism that has you believing this is the worst thing that could happen.

The worst thing that could happen is much, much worse. Autism is not the worst thing.

5. Don’t group autism and intellectual disabilities together

Autism is not an intellectual disability.

Intellectually disabled individuals are not inherently autistic.

These are occasional co-occurring conditions.

On this same note, the term “profound autism” was made up by allistics who needed to create a specific way autism “looks” so they could point and go, “That’s autism.”

That’s not autism. That’s “autism and…”

Autism isn’t an umbrella term for intellectual disabilities. Autism is for autism only.

Also…you cannot always tell when an autistic person is intellectually disabled. Stop looking for external deformities as signs of “autism”.

6. We’re not ignoring you

If your autistic child doesn’t respond immediately, it’s not intentional. There’s a lot going on inside their head!

Autistic people process more information than non-autistic people. In other words, our brains have more processing power.

Processing times vary, especially with everything else going on. Sometimes, we’re so focused on something else that we don’t even register your voice.

Auditory processing disorder (APD) legally counts as Hard-of-Hearing (HoH). Processing time with APD is much longer than without it. I have APD; some auditory input doesn’t ever get processed. Others may take hours.

Our names

Many autistic people, like myself, also dislike the sound of their names. They may not even associate with it. This could be due to gender identity or other forms of dissociation.

Not responding to our name could be due to sensory sensitivities or an association with being scolded.

Find alternative ways to get your child’s attention — like gently tapping their shoulder or using a preferred nickname.

7. Dissociation and survival mode

Autistic people frequently behave as if they’re in survival mode, even if they don’t realize.

Moments of high stress can cause dissociation. This means they mentally “check out” and might not remember or understand what happened during those times.

Dissociation can feel like an out-of-body experience or a complete blackout.

I don’t remember many times when I ever truly felt safe as an autistic person. My behaviors were constantly criticized, even when I tried sitting still and being “normal”.

Nothing I ever did felt “right” or okay.

Survival mode is about survival. Your autistic child may flee or fight more often because of it. It’s not an act of defiance.

Support and patience can help your child feel safe. The complete opposite creates a frightening environment for everyone involved. Aggressive, explosive meltdowns will rule your home and no one will feel safe.

8. We struggle to link our behavior to your reaction

“You only understand when I’m screaming at you, so WHY SHOULD I STOP?!”

As an autistic person, I struggle with body language. I don’t understand hints. Alexithymia complicates determining how I feel. I’m not great at comforting people or expressing my remorse.

If I upset you, I need direct language. I need matter-of-fact language that cannot be mistaken.

This is true for many autistic people.

Figuring this out, though, feels like a mind game. During conflict, I’m keen to retreat. I have no idea what to say to console someone I’ve wronged; I’ve only ever said the wrong thing that ticked people off even more.

My response is to explain why I may have behaved the way I did. I don’t always know, because of dissociation and survival mode. However, I find allistics don’t appreciate explanations for behavior.

This has gotten me into a lot of trouble with childhood caregivers and friends.

This confusion and feeling misunderstood leads to fear and anxiety, which triggers meltdowns or other forms of distress.

Feeling misunderstood is a major reason the autistic life experience is considered intrinsically traumatic.

9. What simplifies tasks for non-autistics may complicate them for autistics

When I was 10, my stepfather told me to pick up the dirty clothes. I found picking up several pieces and carrying them to the basket more efficient for me. He outwardly expressed his anger with my approach.

“No, I told you to pick up the dirty clothes. That means you’re supposed to carry the basket around with you and put clothes in the basket.” It was one of those rectangular-wide baskets that could be carried on an adult’s hip, except before the ones with the curve were invented.

I knocked a glass of Diet Dr. Depper off a table.

He yelled, “Watch where you’re going! Don’t you know that you’re supposed to be aware of things around you?”

I started shaking. “I couldn’t see it because of the basket.”

He asked me if I was stupid. I said I wasn’t aware of things because of the basket, and he accused me of talking back.

Things that are “simple” to you as a non-autistic person may be more complicated to your autistic child.

I could never tie my shoes well, but I could do more mechanical activities, like mathematics and coding. I only wear slip-on shoes because I can’t tie shoes.

Coding a website is not “easy” to most allistics. I still can’t fold a fitted sheet. I can’t process manual budgeting without getting a migraine. My laundry routine may seem more complex to other people, but it works for me.

What this looks like in person is better described by sharing the question I’ve been asked many times: Why do you have to make everything so complicated?

10. Avoid accusations and offer help

Don’t accuse your autistic child of not trying.

Sometimes, we want the chance to figure out our own way of doing something without interference. When adults insist on their way being the only way, it feels stifling and invalidating.

All children need the freedom to try solving things in their own way. This is how they learn.

However, kids also need to receive support in the form of help to avoid stressing too much from struggling.

If you see your kid struggling, ask if they need help. Ask your child HOW they want you to help them instead of assuming they want you to “fix” everything.

This will help teach them how to advocate for themselves and ask for specific kinds of help when they need it. (Obviously, adjust this advice for the developmental capabilities of the child.)

11. Manage your frustration

Your frustration magnifies our anxiety. Autistic people are highly sensitive to the emotions of people around them.

If you’re feeling overwhelmed, take a moment to breathe and approach the situation calmly.

12. Sleep needs vary

Okay, screw the recommendations from so-called “experts” telling you to avoid screen time and water before bed. It’s all trash.

I’m autistic. I know it’s trash.

Autistic children may need more or less sleep than their peers and might require specific conditions to fall asleep, such as extra stimulation or a quiet, lit environment.

Observe their patterns and adapt as needed.

When I was a kid, I had this device that was like a phone, but not a phone. It was more like a calculator with games. It wasn’t an official gaming device. I could use it to type out what I wanted to say, but it didn’t make noise. It was a toy, not an “official” alternative communication device.

Sometimes, I played word games on it until I fell asleep.

Now, I have a phone. I play logic games until I fall asleep — color sort, logic puzzles…ish like that. Or I’ll read books on my phone. I also have my Echo Dot play sleep sounds or the “174 Hz” playlist. I can’t sleep without music known to put me to sleep playing.

I sleep more soundly when I go to sleep like this versus when I tried going to sleep without any of it. My brain needs mental stimulation in order to fall asleep or else I will stay awake for hours.

So hey — observe what works for your child and do more of that. You don’t need to be “perfect” about it.

13. Don’t assume intentionality

Don’t assume we’re doing something “on purpose”.

Autistic kids rarely have the same awareness autistic adults do. Autistic adults develop the hyperawareness they have to create introspective posts like this one because of trauma.

Assuming the wrong thing about us can trigger rejection-sensitive dysphoria, which can send us spiraling.

Autistic facial expressions often trigger negative emotions within allistic people. Truthfully, we have no idea what our face is doing or why it’s wrong.

One of my Tourette syndrome tics is this thing with my mouth that happens more when I’m stressed — as all tics do — and I’m sometimes aware I’m doing it. I do know what my mouth looks like. I also wish it wasn’t a huge deal.

Please don’t hold our body language against us. Don’t ascribe additional meaning to our words or intentions based on neurotypical body language interpretations.

Instead, learn your child’s body language and interpret accordingly. Every autistic person has their own “tells”. We all have our own ways of communicating distress.

I used to think people couldn’t recognize this. However, one of my managers noticed I would stim by touching the tips of my fingers with my thumbs, even when my hands were down to my side. She recognized this as one of my anxiety tells.

Her pointing it out by telling her supervisor, “Stop teasing her, you’re making her nervous,” and explaining when someone else asked how she knew felt awkward and uncomfortable…I also felt extremely seen and validated.

14. Avoid harmful phrases

Certain phrases can be particularly damaging to autistic and non-autistic kids alike. Try to eliminate the following from your vocabulary:

  • “You just want attention.”/”They just want attention.”
  • “I think you’re lying.”
  • “You’re fine.”
  • “It’s easy.”/”It’s not that hard.”
  • “Why won’t you…?”
  • “You just need to…”
  • “You should…”
  • “If you loved me, you would…”
  • “You know what you did.”
  • “You always have an answer for everything, don’t you?”
  • “Why do you keep making things so hard? Just do it like I tell you.”

These statements invalidate our experiences and feelings, making it harder for us to trust and connect with you.


There’s a lot of advice out there about parenting autistic kids. I definitely deserved better parenting than I received, though I’m not wishing for perfection.

No one is a perfect parent. Everyone is figuring out what works best for their family while working through their own trauma that seeps through their cracks when they’re faced with a tiny human.

I assume allistic parents who read this are genuinely interested in connecting better with their autistic children. I need to believe that, because I need to believe there is good in the world.

Thus, I hope this post is an additional resource in your parenting toolkit. You’re doing the best with the resources you have available to you. I see you, and I thank you for wanting to understand your autistic child more. 💖

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