Unmasking as an autistic adult: What it means and how to do it safely

The last few years have been a stressful blur for me. Autism researchers are finally starting to understand the importance of listening to actually autistic people…and society is finally like, “Oh, wow, we should actually listen to people living with these conditions if we want to understand their experiences.”

2020 was a tumultuous year for able-bodied, extroverted people who were suddenly faced with the lifestyle many disabled and atypical individuals everywhere have been living: isolated, inside, more worried about their health than the average person during average, pre-pandemic times.

In some ways, it gave other people perspective…in others, stigma perpetuated and worsened.

I think autistic burnout has been affecting me for a while, but I didn’t know what it was at the time. That’s why labels matter for people who are different — they help us find community, shared experiences. Labels help those who use them name their experiences, find resources on their experiences, and feel less alone.

Unmasking is about being oneself, but what the hell does that even mean? And if you’ve spent a lifetime masking, does that mean you don’t have a real self? The fuck do you do then? How do you create yourself when you don’t even know what you like or want to do in your life?

I chose to stifle my feelings and do what other people felt I “should” do — the same thing I’d been doing. It never worked for me before, but it prevented me from

• facing the discomfort of setting boundaries, and
• acknowledging and accepting what embracing myself really meant.

Now I know what unmasking means to me and what living as my “true self” means. In 2024 going on 2025, it’s unacceptable to people who don’t have to live inside my brain.

I think, though, unmasking means I will live in my brain better than I have been.

When I look back at my previous writings about unmasking my autism, it feels superficial. I didn’t understand then what unmasking means or how it looks. I shaped my unmasking journey on

• what it looked like for other people
• what people expected of me, and
• the expectations I held myself to.

People don’t talk enough about the grieving process of being disabled, atypically-minded, chronically ill — and feeling the pressure to present as otherwise.

This results in people going through ish like autistic burnout developing unrealistic expectations of what life after that looks like.

Autistic burnout recovery is not about returning your life to what it was — that life didn’t work. It’s about creating a new life that works with you and your needs.

Techniques to unmask

Existing advice focuses on engaging in special interests, but this feels so surface-level.

Discovering my limits

Boundaries = you honoring your personal limits by modifying your behavior.

Monotropism explains several autistic characteristics, including

• Executive dysfunction, making starting/stopping tasks difficult and complicating seemingly “simple” things to process
• Focused, creative flow states
• Intense experiences

and especially the narrow, tunnel-like focus.

Understanding monotropism felt kind of complicated, so I put it off until I started reviewing my journal entries and recognizing patterns.

Recognizing problematic behavior

A few common themes and patterns with/for me include:

• Dismissing or ignoring how my conditions affect me because of masking so I don’t burden other people
• Feeling like my inherent existence is a burden to others, because unmasking isn’t accepted and masking isn’t enough
• Flat affect causing people to misunderstand and me feeling ashamed for it
• Keeping the peace by not discussing things that breach my limits
• Ignoring my limits if/when boundaries are ignored at my first 1-2 attempts instead of continuing to assert them or disengaging
• Masking to make existence more palatable for other people
• Not letting myself feel my emotions for fear of being criticized for being “overdramatic”, “too sensitive” or “a psycho” (things people have actually said to me in recent years)
• Reacting immediately and emotionally, instead of logically and from a place of security.
• Responding impulsively rather than mindfully, and not processing the answer I replied with.
• Self-punishing behavior when I mess up, forget something, or a symptom of one of my conditions affects someone else — usually by feeling too ashamed to eat, then struggling with brain function because I didn’t eat and being worse off the next day.
• Struggling to communicate like “regular” people who aren’t me, due to history of being misunderstood and struggling to communicate my perspective, needs, experience, etc.
• Zeroing in on one specific thing & not processing (or dissociating from) the rest

Acknowledging effects of problematic behavior

Identifying problematic behavior is a great exercise in self-reflection, but it doesn’t change anything.

People’s lives are deeply interconnected; we all influence each other in complex ways. To expect someone’s symptoms or struggles to not affect you is to want an unrealistic concept of that person. Their symptoms and struggles make them human.

Ignoring my limits allows my emotions to consume me, which ruin my entire day. I function on limited processing and energy. If interpersonal or intrapersonal conflict consumes me, I…

• lose an entire day
• hit energy debt
• hit nutritional debt if I didn’t eat
• wake up the next day already in energy debt

Takeaways

I’ve learned four things:

1. I didn’t learn as much about boundaries as I needed to (so I checked out some books on boundaries).
2. I do best when I prioritize completing one task a day.
3. My emotions have a habit of consuming. I feel a lot and am attuned to how others around me feel, like I soak up their emotions, too. Emotional boundaries help me prevent this, though others may perceive it as the “flat effect”.
4. The stress from overexerting myself makes me more susceptible to getting sick, having more asthma attacks, and being more sensitive to allergens.

I don’t remember a month in 2024 where I wasn’t dealing with allergies and/or asthma.

Healthy boundaries

Unmasking used to be being myself, but I didn’t realize that I had no sense of self.

• I know who I want to be.
• I know what I want to do.
• I know how I want my days to look.

Before I can become my favorite version of myself, I need to honor my limits.

ChatGPT helped me identify healthy boundaries based on needs:

• Acknowledging my physical and mental limits as non-negotiable
• Checking in with myself before helping others
• Not responding to people when my head isn’t clear & using an autoresponder/copy-paste phrase, e.g. “I’ll get back to you when I’m feeling better,” if I feel obligated to reply or they demand a reply.
• Reframing addressing concerns as “maintaining peace” in the long term rather than avoiding short-term discomfort
• Scheduling time for daily self-care and honoring it as I would any important appointment
• Setting a routine to record key details when I’m grounded to maintain awareness of goings-on

plus some others I’ll go into more detail about later. 😉

Small steps to creating my life after autistic burnout

So, to recap, this is what I know about myself:

• I know who I want to be.
• I know what I want to do.
• I know how I want my days to look.

Past experience informs me being super transparent about these things doesn’t go over well. Pursuing a “different” life is mocked. Crab mentality, yada yada.

I thought of a few activities I could engage in to make my dream life become reality:

• A boundary to prevent me from oversharing with people I don’t trust to respond supportively
• Assert my boundaries to protect my peace and energy
• Stretching on a daily basis to regain flexibility and increase mobility
• Disengage when my self-punishing behaviors are triggered
• Keeping in touch with people who understand and accept me regardless of how my conditions affect my life instead of seeking approval from/begging for people who don’t understand to stay in my life
• Attending beginner hip-hop classes when my nutrition and energy increase
• Not moving across the country before I’m capable of managing my life presently; I’ve been so stressed in recent years and need a year of chill the most

Unmasking = growing into self

Unmasking means

• listening to my body when it’s screaming in pain
• honoring my physical and mental limits so the effects of not doesn’t consume me and affect other people
• asking for help when I need it from people I trust not to view me as a problem that needs solving
• embracing the journey like falling in love with myself, not a punishment for being disabled, chronically ill or having a brain that functions differently

Unmasking isn’t something you wake up and decide to do. It’s an exercise in living true to yourself. Unmasking is a lifestyle.

Being oneself is radical. It goes against the “natural” order of the patriarchy and capitalism. The beauty industry doesn’t want you to love yourself, even as you age.

Authenticity is such a buzzword that gets thrown around. Suppressing the deepest, most honest part of yourself long-term leads to

• dysfunction
• identity issues
• intrapersonal struggles
• negative self-image
• psychological issues (e.g. anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation)
• psychosomatic symptoms

Owning and embracing yourself builds confidence. It’s a form of self-care.

Boundaries are the limits that truly set us free to be ourselves. To growing at our own pace 💖