Why aren’t autistics allowed to be upset, too?

What triggers anger in autistic people

What upsets non-autistic people has the potential to upset autistic people, too.

However, autistic people may also feel angry from specific experiences related to how they experience the world.

Communication differences

Autistic people tend to be literal.

We often think up every possible way someone might reply to something in order to craft exactly what we want to communicate — only for a non-autistic to assume context we didn’t provide, or read around what we said to assume we meant something else.

Or perhaps we stutter when we talk too much, if our brain isn’t getting enough oxygen due to a dysautonomia disorder, or there is generally too much going on already.

I know I prefer to stop talking and let someone believe their own narrative, even though it’s all assumptions.

Like, I will let a housemate believe I don’t clean the bathroom and am suuuper “lazy” while on a leave of absence due to POTS-like symptoms, after a week of daily falling and fainting.

But once I’m regulated, I’ll remember

• I clean the toilet every week with the Scrubbing Bubbles wand I bought just for the task.
• I vacuum the hall and bathroom once every 2-3 weeks.
• I mop the bathroom once every month.
• I wipe the surfaces and baseboards with a microfiber cloth sprayed with DIY all-purpose spray, then with a hypoallergenic dryer sheet to prevent dust buildup.

And I’ll consider correcting myself, telling her, then decide it doesn’t matter.

Because at the end of the day, I know how to differentiate my assumptions from reality. I also know how to recognize and appreciate invisible labor, but that’s probably the farm girl in me.

I don’t have the energy for that emotional labor, even outside autistic burnout.

Executive functioning struggles

Everything mental that helps you do something is related to executive functioning.

Executive dysfunction is not only an ADHD trait.

In autism, executive dysfunction looks like

• anxiety and frustration over simple daily tasks causing overwhelm
• difficulty filtering words/actions before acting, pausing, stopping
• difficulty starting/finishing tasks, often leaving them to the last minute
• forgotten steps, misplaced items, difficulty following multi-step instructions
• struggling to switch between tasks
• transition distress
• trouble organizing steps to complete tasks and starting tasks, even if enjoyed

Maintaining a routine helps decrease executive dysfunction, because tasks become concrete instead of things done at random.

Routine disruptions

My routine is sacred.

I say this to people who criticize how “strict” I am about my routine, but…I need my routine.

While I have managed to adapt my routine over the years, it has mostly stayed the same — with consideration to improved discipline.

My routine is also a bit dangerous, though, because it could lead to being stalked. So I adjust by not being too predictable.

Me disrupting my routine is quite different from someone else disrupting it.

Sensory under/overload

As a sensory-avoider, I’m easily sensory overloaded.

However, I know plenty sensory-seekers who find themselves underloaded in the sensory department.

Sensory needs and sensitivities go both ways.

If sensory needs are not met, an autistic person may become upset.

Why not being allowed to express anger harms autistic people

Suppressed anger compounds like Mentos in a 2L Coke. Every anger trigger is another Mentos.

It might not immediately spew, but it soon will.

Not being allowed to express upset or anger results in people hiding their emotions until they it a breaking point, which can resemble a mental breakdown.

It also causes long-term psychological distress, eats at our humanity, and prevents us from feeling connected to people.

That is true for non-autistic people, too.

When an autistic person represses and/or suppresses anger, though, they also risk meltdowns, shutdowns and the inevitable autistic burnout — because that’s how distress manifests in autism.

Supportive ways to respond to autistic anger

These are also ways to support non-autistic people with their anger.

But people who exist outside societal marginalization tend not to empathize with those who exist within it.

Express, don’t suppress

Journal, exercise or indulge your special interests to work through your anger in the moment. These are forms of meditation.

When you are less reactionary, share how you feel with someone else.

“I felt ____ when you ____, because ____. So I ____ and ____.”

This is not easy, so a lot of people don’t do this. Working through your anger feels like work because it is. You’re rewriting your brain to stop bottling everything up and reacting, so you will be capable of responding.

Pacing and expressing yourself helps you go from being perceived as a reactionary drama llama to a responsive boss.

And because this is not the common way to working through emotions, because other people aren’t used to it, you WILL experience pushback.

But this is about protecting yourself, your mental health, your well-being.

This is about developing emotional intelligence.

Identify & work through/avoid triggers

As you lean into processing your emotions instead of reacting to them, try to identify what triggered your anger in the first place.

Once you identify your anger triggers, think of what helps you work through them.

Watercolor helps me when I feel like I have no control over my life, because I can at least control the water.

Not all anger triggers are fixable within your control, though. Sometimes an anger trigger is a person and how they behave in response to you — repeatedly, deflecting each time you share your emotions.

This was my family for me, projecting their anxiety and assumptions onto me. It was sooo suffocating. Going no-contact with them improved my mental health.

Therapy

If all else fails, working with a therapist helps if your therapist is not merely a sounding board.

As an autistic person with CPTSD, I choose therapists who specialize in complex trauma or a complex trauma-adjacent disorder.

Like, a therapist who specializes in borderline personality disorder may be more familiar with dissociative disorders than a therapist specialized in bipolar disorder.

They’re less likely to use cognitive behavior therapy (CBT), which can be worse for autistic and traumatized patients because it feels like gaslighting oneself.

Therapists who sit, listen, and ask, “And why do you think that?” or, “Why do you feel that way?” make me wonder why I’m wasting time talking to a wall when I could do that with ChatGPT.

So don’t be discouraged if you struggle finding a good fit. As of 2026, telemedicine is more accessible, with therapists from all over being a video call away.

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Do you feel like you’re not allowed to be angry/upset as an autistic person?

How has this affected your life and relationships?