Farväl 2019!

Real talk: I had no idea what the future held in 2019. This past year was very much lived in the present, mostly with me trying to figure out how I was expected to be an adult and find my own place to live when I only recently learned I had to build credit because I had none. Because, once you turn 18, it’s your responsibility. Kind of bullshit no one told me all these things I had to worry about as an adult, as if no institution that we are expected to learn things at exists.

So, you know…that was fun, as always.

Clean desk containing laptop and some notebooks; above-angle view of my legs propped on desk

I moved from Garland, TX to Princeton, TX — surburgatory to small-town suburban life in a neighborhood where everyone is most likely richer than me. It’s got a pool, I had to learn to swim once again, and there’s a playground. I have learned I’m not a fan of Homeowner’s Association (HOA), even though it means everyone has an Amazon Ring Doorbell and will have video evidence if you do anything illegal. There’s still crime in the neighborhood; crime is rising in Princeton due to more people moving here. Such is always the case with small towns.

But I started working at Walmart again. I’m hopeful this time, being older, more mature, and it being a different location. There are a lot of LGBTQ+ people here, which gives me hope for friends/like-minded individuals and myself. It’s quite lonely being a lesbian and not having local friends in similar boats.

Selfie taken while laying down; hand facing palm-up over face

My mental health/primary physician insurance expired in September. I didn’t renew it. I didn’t know it was set to expire full-out until I went in for my appointment and found out. I went off my meds, but the weird thing is that nothing really changed. I moved in with Charlise, and things have been good. I kind of live “by myself”, as a roommate to her and her children. I practice self-care, and I’m good.

Distancing myself from people who pressured me into conforming to the ideals, expectations and notions of who and how I should be — that is, moving out of a house where I could not freely be who I am, how I am, and everything that I am; where I had to vigilantly hide most every part of me that made me me — reduced depressive thoughts and diet culture pressure.

Not saying I recommend it. Took some time to adapt to not being on antidepressants/anti-anxiety medication. I think it worked so well because the move had me forgetting to take my pills, so I’d go without different ones on different days, and then it just…ran out. As I’m well aware of the risks, and definitely did not intend to do this on my own in the first place, it just sort of happened because the timing surrounding everything was so awful. I think I’m one of the lucky ones, in that not being on my medication didn’t affect me. Some days I get confused because there will be a situation where I am like, “So glad for my Prozac,” and then remember I’m not on it, and am unable to comprehend how I’m okay with the situation.

Maybe my self-confidence increased over the year.

Maybe a change in my home environment really was the key to resolving so many of my issues, as my psychiatrist had been concerned for.

I avoid diet culture as much as I can. It’s hard, because my family follows it and will discuss the bullshit around me, like my experience with an eating disorder doesn’t matter to them or they still sincerely believe that I did it for attention/had the devil in me/whatever.

Sometimes shit just happens to you, and there’s nothing you can do about it except accept it and feel it, and hope the worst damage it leaves is a scar.

That doesn’t make it your fault, especially not when it started before you were allotted the autonomy to resolve it yourself.

Only how you handle something once you become aware, however you’re made aware, does depend on you.

And yet, somehow, I’m still perceived as the one with a problem because I eat when I’m hungry, don’t diet (I’m anti-dieting), and eat as much as I want to eat.

Mostly, I did a lot of “growing into myself”.

I still sound like a ten-year-old on the phone, but I’m growing more and more into the person I want to be so I can have the life I want.

I learned/unlearned a lot of things this year.

Eating 3/4 a batch of brownies won’t turn me into a whale the next day.

800-calorie meals are amazing for my sleep. (Also hard.)

I cannot function off adrenaline anymore. I need actual energy, i.e. calories. Calories are amazing.

Nourishing my body gives me things like curves, new flexibility, and…boobs. It also stops the pain created by walking, when the bones in my feet would crack and shift while I walked.

Eating disorder recovery is a winding scribble of a tornado.

My menstrual cycle is only regular when I’m consuming well over 2500 calories per day.

It’s a journey, but I’m coming to peace with it. I’m learning who I am without starvation and diet culture ideation.

Personally, I think I look less like a girl and much more like a woman these days.

My word of the year was PEACE.

I definitely found lots of it.~

Statistical miscellany

  • Books read: 57
  • Domains owned: 7
  • Movies watched: 36+
  • Posts written: 52
  • Total hospital debt: $6,161.94 (i.e. the price I put on my life)

Favorite books

Vivid, bright spines of hardcover books on a white shelf, in alphabetical order

Favorite movies

Excludes rewatches.

That’s me for the year!

P.S. This was written and scheduled before the events of December 20, 2019 happened (and they will not be discussed further at this time).

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Comments on this post

I’ve been seeing you on IG and FB and your growth this year is SO INSPIRING! I can’t even begin to imagine how challenging it is to completely distance yourself from the toxicity you’ve experienced. I do love all the cute bb pics! <3

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It sounds like this move was a healthy one for you and that you learned a lot about yourself in the process. I am glad you’re finding peace and learning and unlearning a lot in the process. I’m sorry that your family is so insensitive about diet culture :/ But it sounds like despite this, you have learned some really healthy habits! And I am glad you had a good reading year too. The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo was also one my favourites!

Olivia-S @ Olivia’s Catastrophe

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I just wanted to say that I am proud of you. I’m proud of you for living. I’ve caught a few of your posts here and there, and the growth shines through. 🙂 You have to continue to fight for your own peace. You have to do the things that make you happy, because at the end of the day, true happiness comes from within yourself.

I’m wishing you the best in 2020. May your year be filled with more peace and clarity.

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