On Wanting to Be a ✨Good✨ Autistic Mother

Everything I am working towards right now is so I can create a future version of me who can parent a child more adequately than I was.

Toddler in rainbow scales outfit wearing a cap too big

Because at the end of the day, despite everything, I want someone to call me mom.

(And longer than just a few years. 😅 Solara called me “Mama” when she was younger, and I didn’t realize just how much I’d miss it as she grew older. 🥲)

Born to a teen mom

My biological mother had me at 17. I don’t care so much about why she chose to keep me anymore, instead of giving me up for adoption.

I can’t personally imagine bringing a child into this world with all the shit and drama that she had to go through.

When someone has a child, they have to think beyond that child. How will they grow up? Where I’m from, raising children is about giving them a “better” life.

I think choosing to have a child for those reasons are selfish.

I would rather have not been born. Saying this does NOT mean that I am suicidal. I would just have rather not been born. I think it’s important to discuss and consider nuances.

Abused children should never have been born. If society cannot save children from abuse, then those children should not be born.

Why don’t parenting classes teach parents how to recognize and overcome their trauma so they can be better parents, before they raise their kids?

Healing from my own trauma

I don’t want to become a parent before I am ready. It doesn’t matter how much I want a child right now. Having a child is a lifelong commitment that requires more than the instant gratification of having one.

In order to avoid parenting like those who raised me, I need to first develop into someone who actively works to behave differently — and actually does behave differently.

I don’t want to yell at children. I didn’t learn until about seven years ago that giving a child Benadryl to calm them down and make them sleep is child abuse, adding onto my trauma. 🥴 I don’t want to replicate my trauma tenfold.

I’m never going to be trauma-free, but I can be more aware of my behavior and reactions to other people’s actions.

Building a village

I’m detoxing my relationships. People are either in my life or out of it.

I’m asking questions like:

  • Would this person respect how I want my child to be cared for in their care, or would they do the opposite and just not tell me?
  • Would they feel entitled to developing a relationship with my child just because they are family?
  • Would my child’s life be better without them?

These questions have difficult answers, especially the last one, because one may beg to differ that it’s not just my child’s life but the lives of my relatives as well — which boils down to one more Q:

  • How do I know they will treat my child with love and respect for my child’s boundaries?

I base this answer off how they have treated me. How can I know they will treat my child better, inline with my own parenting, if they view personal boundaries as disrespect?

How can I know they will treat my child well if they dismiss every genuine concern I have, everything I say before I even say it?

I want to build up my own village, find my own family, who will one day be in my child’s life. I want my village to contain people from all sorts of backgrounds and lifestyles, so my child will be desensitized to diversity and welcome it with open arms. I want child-free friends who enjoy other people’s kids, but don’t want their own so my child knows that that life is also an option, that you don’t have to have kids to live a full life.

Autistic parenting

Learning about autistic parents turned me on to the possibility of becoming a parent myself. I used to think I’d never be able to have that for myself.

I have Galaxy. She is my baby and will always be my baby, but I want a human baby, too. 😅 And I will love them equally. 👁️👄👁️

While I don’t think this qualifies me for becoming a parent, and it’s not the only reason I want to be, I think being yet another autistic parent is more representation in the community. 🤌

Even without a partner

Used to, the solo mom life was frowned upon — but there is a whole community of solo mothers who specifically decided to be moms without partners! A lot of them are asexual or want to pursue parenthood without waiting for their life partner.

I would like to be ready by 34-35. I did the maths, and I don’t think my energy levels could keep up with a small child that well 😂

And I don’t want to have to wait for the right woman to come along and wife me up. 🙄 That’s such a dated way of thinking. Why should I wait until marriage to begin a life journey I want, when I might never marry in the first place?

It puts a lot of pressure on myself and someone else.

I don’t plan to carry a child myself, but to go the surrogate route. 🤌 I briefly considered recovering from tokophobia, but it is deeply rooted from a guardian who made me watch labor reality series on TLC in my impressionable years. 💩 Some things you cannot unsee or unlearn.

I did consider adoption, but it is a long and arduous process that mightn’t amount to anything. Fostering to adopt is ignorant of the purpose of foster care, which is to reunite children with their families.

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