10 things to never say to people with depression

“You have plenty to be grateful for.”

“If it makes you feel any better, there’s someone else out there who has it worse. You’ve got food, shelter and clean water.”

Depression has nothing to do with not feeling grateful.

Guilt-tripping someone into feeling grateful reinforces feelings of shame caused by depression. It’s also called the gratitude trap.

Saying this to someone struggling with depression doesn’t help them — it worsens their condition.

“Stop acting like this.”

“What are you doing? This isn’t normal. Stop acting like this.”

Depression is a natural response to losing something important to your sense of self. It may also coexist with various stress going on in life, whether that’s your everyday life or the result of something bigger than yourself.

The more politically involved or aware you are, the more you’re exposed to potential loss of freedoms.

You become more aware of the bad things that might happen and become depressed by it.

Chronic or severe depression, however, is a sign of something more serious at play. It can mean you have a mood disorder. Underlying causes could also be at play — from your physical health (e.g. eating disorders) to your environment (e.g. abusive situation).

This is also shaming.

“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

Depression is about more than simply “feeling sorry” for yourself.

People who only feel sorry for themselves aren’t depressed about it.

Depression occurs when you feel like you’ve lost a piece of yourself or there’s no hope left.

Having insensitive people shame you for this reminds you of why you lost hope in the first place.

“You were happy yesterday.”

“But you were happy yesterday. You must be bipolar.”

People can feel different emotions, at various times, throughout the day.

Someone dealing with depression can smile, laugh and feel joy — and still deal with depression.

It’s not always grey skies, dark rooms and cloudy days spent curled up in bed.

Assuming someone is “bipolar” when you’re not their doctor is not helpful. It reinforces harmful stereotypes and shame, which prevents people from getting the help they need.

“Try not to ____________.”

Did you know that the more you try not to think about something, the more you think about it?

This is known as the pink elephant paradox, or the ironic process theory (IPT).

I’m gonna tell you a story. There’s a spider in the corner of the bathroom where the tub meets the wall. It’s to the left of the toilet. Don’t think about the spider. To the right is the door.

How big did you imagine the spider? Did you still think about it after I told you not to? Did you imagine its web? 🧐

“I know how you feel.”

“I know how you feel. I was depressed for several days.”

That’s not helpful. Depression is more than feeling sad, blue or in the dumps.

It’s a mental feeling of physically being stuck in a pit with only a shovel to help you climb out.

People who are depressed need empathy — not the shallow sympathy that is you trying to downplay the seriousness of depression out of your own discomfort.

“Have you tried ____?”

You may want to help, but unsolicited advice doesn’t help.

Depression is not about what someone has or hasn’t tried.

“It gets better.”

What gets better?

I know this statement gained momentum when my generation struggled to be okay after coming out to their parents.

You don’t know if their situation will “get better”.

Many things can cause someone to be depressed. They could have a terminal illness, have lost a loved one, or be struggling to accept a life-altering change.

Telling them things will get better creates certain expectations and relies heavily on having hope they might not have.

It’s not empathetic.

Since writing this post, I’ve learned things don’t “get better”.

Rather, we adapt and build up tolerance.

We create a “new normal”, which creates the illusion or impression that things do get better.

Or we have self-deprecating jokes that make people laugh.

What “got better” for me was developing boundaries and walking away from people and environments where I felt unwelcome as myself.

Still, “it’ll get better” is an unhelpful platitude that needs to die.

“You need to think more positively!”

Toxic positivity may actually increase depression, since you’re suppressing negative emotions and putting up a façade.

“You’re being selfish.”

I didn’t come out of my room for three days, except at night, because I couldn’t tolerate the sensory input of everything else happening in the house.

My grandmother told me goodnight that night. She asked, “Are you mad at me? Did I do something to make you feel uncomfortable?”

“No,” I replied.

“I haven’t seen you for days. I missed you.”

I apologized, told her goodnight, and she went. I felt so guilty.

All I could tolerate was quiet and the dim light from my lamp. I couldn’t even stand the sound of my phone charging.

The next day, I told my therapist that I felt so selfish and ashamed that my depression was affecting the people around me.

My grandmother didn’t believe in depression being anything other than a spiritual illness, but this didn’t negate my shame.

I forced myself to withstand the sensory input of everything. I felt like I was straining myself.

I later learned that my depression was more along the lines of autistic burnout. It may have actually been depression as well, and I was simply surrounded by people who didn’t understand.

What might you add to this list?

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